How To Make Your Stalker Disappear
by love'sunny'side'up
Summary: So you just had an epiphany, a very big one about the size of Europe that could very well change your life.  You have a stalker. With this Easy-To-Follow-Steps guide thingy in hand you'll be rid of your stalker in no time. Allen Walker style!
1. STEP 1

So you just had an epiphany, a very big one about the size of Europe that could very well change your life.

You have a stalker.

Hard to believe, right? For as far as you were concerned only popular people have stalkers, like, the very popular people who consisted mostly of people who are not like you. But you are almost positive that you do have one, probably hiding behind that trashcan next to you.

You look behind the trashcan and see no one.

Well duh, of course you wouldn't see him…or her. Stalkers are supposed to be invisible, not literally of course. Yours just happened to be a stupid one because you found out about them.

But wait, before you go on a sleepless marathon that would most likely last until your sixty fifth birthday or spend those sleepless nights counting your underwear to make sure nothing is missing or stop going to the bathroom or toilet to do things bathroom and toilet-related or be a paranoid psycho in general, you have to understand that being almost positive that you have a stalker doesn't mean it's true. It's possible, yes, but you have to be a hundred percent sure or all the energy you'd use for panicking magnificently will be wasted.

The first step in this Easy-To-Follow-Steps guide…thingy to get rid of your stalker is very important. It may as well tell you if you're going to live until next Sunday.

STEP 1: BE A HUNDRED PERCENT SURE THAT YOU HAVE A STALKER

…..

It was never in Allen Walker's moral to be suspicious of anybody. No, he would rather jump off a cliff or dance in moving traffic than suspect anybody of wronging him one way or another. It was very bad. It levels up to being rude when you go accusing someone without proper evidence and Allen Walker didn't want to be rude or look bad to anyone. So as mentioned earlier, Allen Walker didn't make it a hobby to be suspicious.

But right now was definitely an exception. Screw looking bad or being rude or lacking evidence. He was going to suspect anyone and everyone standing at a ten-meter radius of his general vicinity and no one's gonna stop him!

Suspect them of what, exactly?

Well, you see, poor Allen Walker, 16 year old British student of Gray Academy, have been feeling something this past few days. Like, he's sixth sense had just been opened and it wouldn't stop sending him warnings. It was driving him crazy. He can feel it, even now.

Someone was watching him.

Someone bumped him on the way to his locker.

"Watch it, dork."

Allen cringed at the name-calling. Maybe that someone who's been watching him ever since the end of the sports festival was a bully. Yeah, it's possible.

He wasn't the most liked student here, as you can see. But he was almost sure it wasn't because of his looks. Chaoji was uglier than him and the Chinese-Mongolian hybrid's head wasn't being dunked on the toilet on a general basis. It was actually the other way around.

So maybe people were actually intimidated by his beauty or his awesome or his general perfection.

Nah, definitely not.

Maybe it's because of the function ingrained to all the idiots' brain. If they're small it is your responsibility to kick their asses. It makes the world go round.

Yeah, probably.

So if this feeling he was having right now was being caused by a bully, then his life was in no more danger than it had been one week ago.

Much to Allen's slight horror, that thought made him sigh with relief.

It was pathetic how used he was to being manhandled by Americans and Germans and French's and he can't remember what other nation twice his size.

Now standing in front of his locker, Allen looked behind him to make sure no one was trying to catch him off guard and push him in his locker. That would be totally uncool. Not that that's never happened to him before, but it was always good to be cautious.

He opened his locker and jumped back in fright because something inside just fell and he was sure it tried to grope his groin. Seconds later, he almost laughed at himself for that silly thought as he picked up the stuffed…something on the floor. It was round, it was yellow and it had the creepiest grin Allen had ever seen in his life. It also had a long tail.

Allen heard the distinct click of a camera and immediately looked behind him-causing him a stiff neck-for the source of the sound.

Was this…was this some kind of prank?

He forgot to question himself how exactly did anyone got that toy inside his locker without the key.

But as he looked around and surveyed the hallway, he noticed that nobody seemed to be paying attention to him, something that would have made Allen feel relieved on another day but right now, well right now his sixth sense was screaming 'DANGER! DANGER! RUN, DAMMIT!' at him. And it was really annoying.

He noted all the students present at the scene of the crime. It would help him in his future investigation as well as hone the detective blood that was definitely running through his veins. Don't laugh.

There was a redhead standing approximately two meters from him, holding a cell phone and showing it to a sandy haired geek Allen was sure was called Johnny. Then there were a group of Goths several lockers away whom he never saw on campus except at this time. There was also a professor walking by. Professor Tyki Mikk smiled politely at him and went on his way. There were the usual jocks that stayed away from him thinking that they would get contaminated with his nerd-virus. There was the Chinese transfer student and she actually smiled and waved at him when she saw Allen looking. Allen blushed and averted his eyes, and then he continued finding a proper suspect. He caught the attention of a Japanese senior who he knew by name but not in person and shook from head to toe when the Japanese glared at him.

That's when Allen listened to his sixth sense and ran for his life, the unknown stuff toy forgotten on the floor.

….

PE was never Allen's favorite subject. It was the class where cliché things related one way or another to getting his ass kicked always happened. And true to this statement, Allen received 10 volleyballs to his face, 16 at the back, 12 times he was pushed for no particular reason and 21 foot appeared randomly in front on him making him trip and land in a very embarrassing position. His classmates were actually more active than usual in their bullying; Allen mused as he tried to dodge another ball and ended up kissing the ground when another foot appeared in front of him. They were obviously in a good mood.

The PE instructor pretended nothing was happening.

By the end of the class Allen was a very dirty hip of sore muscles and aching bones on the floor. As everybody walked to the changing room, he noticed that a group of seniors was entering the gym so he immediately stood up and walked to the changing room, despite his muscles aching. Twice he almost fell on his way. On the third time someone actually grabbed his shoulders and steadied him.

"Hey kid, you okay?"

It was the redhead from earlier, Allen noticed.

"Yeah." Allen slurred. He was really sore all over and he just wanted to go home and be miserable. And then he'll eat and go to bed.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Well in any case, I'll accompany you." The redhead kindly offered.

He was being so kind, Allen didn't even mind the glares he received when they entered the changing room.

"Where's your locker?" the redhead asked.

"Last one on the third aisle," Allen muttered, feeling tired and very sleepy. He was made to sit on the bench and the older male stood to examine Allen's locker.

"It's really messy." The senior commented.

"Whu..?" Allen asked stupidly, standing up next to him on wobbly knees.

All his things were out of the locker, most of it was wet and his clothes were most definitely stepped on. The senior crouched and examined his ruined black shoes with a look that Allen associated with _his_ look when he ran out of food. It was definitely not pleasant.

The senior stood up and looked around the room. Allen's classmates were all quiet. His look changed for a second when he spotted another senior.

"Yuu." He greeted.

It was the Japanese guy Allen knew by name. He seemed like he just entered the room. And he, too, was looking at the remains of Allen's things. He didn't look happy, which wasn't saying something since not looking happy was his default mode.

"Man, I hate things like this." The redhead sighed, sounding defeated. He turned around in an alarmingly fast movement and looked at Allen's form. "You poor thing."

Allen didn't know if he was being pitied or if the senior was bullying him in his own way.

"Wait here, I'll lend you my uniform."

Faster than Allen could say blyourdsevsee, the redhead was already gone, which left him in the unpleasant company of a Japanese. Maybe Allen should add that to the least of nationalities out to kick his ass.

When the Japanese took a step toward him, Allen almost peed in his pants. Another step and Allen was cursing himself for not planning his will earlier. By the third step, Allen had already said his goodbye to his mother, whom he didn't know, by the way.

"Please make it quick." Allen squeaked when the Japanese stood in front of him, a body composed of muscles and bones purposely developed to do ugly things to anyone who annoyed him. Allen was sure he was on top of that list.

So when the Japanese picked up a dirty uniform on the floor, folded it neatly and put it down on the bench to get another cloth and do the same, Allen felt all his beliefs and morals break and crumple and disappear. And then he died, but that's just Allen being silly.

All his things were neatly placed on the bench by the time the other senior came back. The changing room was empty, too, Allen noticed. He was holding a bag which he handed to Allen.

"Here's my uniform. It's obviously bigger than yours but it's better than what you're wearing, right?"

Indeed, it was better than the poor excuse for a PE uniform he was wearing, so he'll take what he could get. Besides, it wasn't everyday that someone was being nice to him.

While Allen changed, the redhead packed his dirty stuffs in the bag while the Japanese looked impassively at him.

"You're Allen Walker, right?" the redhead asked suddenly.

"Uh, yeah, that's me." Allen said as he buttoned the uniform. It was definitely larger than his and he could smell a faint scent of old cheese in it. He chose not to mention that.

"I'm Lavi!" the redhead_, Lavi,_ stopped in his packing and held out his hand. Allen shook it reluctantly.

"Nice to meet you."

"And this one's Yuu!" Lavi introduced the Japanese, not missing a bit.

"I know." Allen's mouth said before his brain could catch up.

"No you don't." the Japanese hissed. "You know me as Kanda."

"Whatever, Yuu." Lavi grinned at Kanda.

In Allen's opinion, Lavi was either asking to die or just plain crazy.

Lavi handed him the bag. "Here ya go, Allen"

"Thank you…for everything."

"It's nothing, Al. If you ever need any help, just call me or Yuu here. We'll definitely come." Lavi put a hand on Allen's head of white hair and ruffled it. He was already acting like they were close.

"No, I won't." Kanda grumbled.

…

For the first time since entering high school, Allen was feeling a lot of emotions at the same time.

First, he was anxious to know who was following him.

Then there was the incident with the unknown stuff toy.

He was also feeling miserable, something that was not new to him.

And lastly, he was happy.

Again, it wasn't everyday that two people were being nice to him, no matter what their motives were.

As he walked on the deserted street to his home, he thought of the things that would have happened to him had he stayed with Cross in England.

He imagined himself running away from the police and Cross's debt collectors while hiding with a different identity and thought that life here in America was definitely better than anything Cross could offer him.

The street was deserted, too, when he turned a corner.

That's when he heard the footsteps behind him. At first he didn't think anything unusual about this, but when he turned another street and another street and another street again, just for good measure, and the footsteps still followed him, he began to feel nervous.

He stopped and looked behind him to see if someone was there but there was no one.

He continued to walk in circles with an invisible follower. That's when the events from last week started haunting his mind.

His notebook went missing for hours only to turn up in his locker when he already checked it 10 times that morning looking for the missing notebook. He could see that his notebook had been opened several times because of the yellow color and crumpled marks on the edges.

Then his bag followed only to turn up the same way as his notebook did.

Then his shoes.

At home he was almost sure someone was walking back and forth in front of his house for hours. He assumed the guy was just missing. His sixth sense called him stupid and told him to call the police.

This was the first time that someone was following him, obviously not wanting to be seen.

He didn't think he had a stalker. That idea was pretty absurd.

Maybe this was the bully. He finally had enough of Allen and decided to rid the world of him. Well, that wasn't nice.

Allen decided that he still wanted to kick Cross's ass for a change and live a long happy life after that, so he ran. Fast. Whoever was behind him followed.

He was sure that he had the advantage here. He knew these streets like the back of his hand. It was like a maze and at the moment, he didn't want it any other way. He ran two streets to the left, one turn on a corner to his right and then another left. Since he noticed that no one had been walking besides him and his follower on the street, then who ever was on that left turn was definitely the bully.

He reached the corner and he felt dread all over when he saw someone, there was definitely someone standing there, in a hoodie, out of breath and looking left and right, searching for someone. Searching for _him_!

That did it. With a mighty roar, Allen launched himself at the bully and knocked him of the ground. The hoodie remained stubbornly hiding the man's identity. The man recovered quickly than Allen anticipated and before he could grab the man's ankle, he was gone.

….

Fifteen minutes ago, Allen was completely convinced that he didn't have a stalker, that it was an absurd idea. That was fifteen minutes ago. At present, Allen was wondering how he managed to get himself a stalker. He was also looking at his face in the mirror because he definitely looked ugly in all the photos of him that his stalker had. It was all in the bag that his stalker dropped in all the commotion Allen made. There were a lot of things in there that was Allen-related. He definitely recognized that paper as a page taken from his notebook. That was really creepy.

If that still wasn't enough to convince him, then the last item he pulled out of the bag definitely did.

It was one of his change of clothes at school, the one that was in his locker at the changing room. That was really, really creepy.

That night, he installed a new lock at his door as well as his windows, counted his boxers, just in case, and readied himself for the start of the many sleepless nights he would be subjected to because, _damn_, Allen Walker had a stalker.

What did he ever do to deserve this?

=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=

Something random that came to my mind when I was reading other fanfics. So who's the stalker? You think it's either Lavi or Kanda, right? You'll know in the next chapter.

STEP 2 : KNOW THE IDENTITY OF YOUR STALKER


	2. STEP 2

Now that you are a hundred percent sure that you have a stalker, you can now move on and do the panicking. Welcome to a life where you will be subjected to unnecessary paranoia, the feeling of vulnerability and too much exposure knowing that someone is out there for your blood, or body, in case your stalker isn't a vampire.

Oh come on, don't just sulk in a dark corner and wait for your stalker to dig out your deepest, darkest secret. And by the way, your deepest, darkest secret isn't as deep and dark as you think. That kiss with Rhode Camelot? Pssh, almost everyone and their mother knows about that.

Anyway, while you are running around in a circle screaming RAPE, why don't you save that energy of yours and use it to do productive things, like, you know:

STEP 2: KNOW THE IDENTITY OF YOUR STALKER

I am refraining from saying 'duh' in your face right now.

…

Once upon a time, Allen Walker was just this albino midget with as much knowledge about self-defense as the gold fish in your aquarium. Unless your goldfish lives a secret life fighting off wrongdoers on land with Jackie Chan skills, then we're thinking the same. So it's easy to understand that Allen Walker was just your typical punching bag on legs. Once upon a time.

And then Marian Cross entered the picture and no words could describe how life changing that was for Allen.

There was never a morning where he wouldn't wake up on the floor and be ordered to make the fanciest breakfast in ten minutes. At gun-point. There was never a walk in the park that didn't turn into a violent chase with Cross' debt collectors on his tail and his life at stake.

And so after Marian Cross entered his life, the world, as Allen saw it, was hell.

Or maybe he was just being a tad melodramatic.

After all, if it wasn't for Cross' eccentric, that borders to life-threatening, upbringing, he would just remain as the albino midget from once upon a time.

As Allen prepared for school, his secret weapon in hand, he made a mental note to thank his guardian the next time he sees him. And then he'll kick the jerk's sorry ass and everything will be right again in Allen's life.

On second thought…

…

As of today, Allen Walker was a ninja. Yeah, that's right. He was an English ninja and no one says otherwise. Never mind the fact that Allen was 90% English, 6% Italian, 3.9% Russian, 0.1% water and had no ties with any Asian countries except that maybe one of his fourth cousins thrice removed drowned in a river near Tokyo. Anyone who contradicts that fact was going to be ignored because, obviously, they know not of what they speak.

Ever since he found out that he, Allen 'The Bully Magnet' Walker, had a stalker, he was trying to think of all the positive things that come with being in his situation.

So far, he could think of only one.

At least one of his childhood dreams was being fulfilled, right?

Sadly, that one thing didn't make up for all the hard work he was doing because someone out there was being an annoying creeper and was following him around for who knows what reason.

He felt like crying out for his mommy!

Allen tried to be as inconspicuous as he could but doing so while being that gorgeous was something that was bordering impossible. Even as he carried an empty trashcan to hide to while walking down the hallways of Gray Academy, he was still getting too much attention.

Oh come on, he's not that handsome, is he?

The trashcan was kicked unceremoniously out of his hand.

"Hey, looks who's here!"

Oh boy, just what he needed this morning. More attention.

Chaoji I-Don't-Care-What-His-Surname-Is was standing in front of him with an overly smug expression on his overly ugly face. He placed an arm over Allen's shoulder and stage-whispered in a conspiring tone.

"So, what've you been up to this past few days? Haven't seen much of your ugly face lately."

And as if it was the funniest joke they have ever heard, everybody started laughing on cue. The way they guffawed all at the same time as if it were all rehearsed was almost as funny as Chaoji's face, in Allen's humble opinion.

Allen didn't even think to give an answer to Chaoji's pointless question because 1. His tiny brain wouldn't be able to comprehend, 2. It would be a waste of oxygen and 3. It was pointless. _Duh._

It was a globally acknowledged fact that big dudes with very few brain cells were easily offended, so when Allen didn't grace Chaoji with an intellectual retort, he took that as an offence.

Chaoiji gave a nasty growl before fisting Allen's uniform and raising his hand to give Allen's face an awesome black eye.

An attention demanding cough made him freeze though, and when Chaoji turned to look at the one that dared stop him from giving the proper English man a proper beating, his expression change. Allen wished his face would change, too. Anything will be for the better.

"No fighting in the hallway."

Allen froze, too. He would recognize that crisp tone anywhere. When Chaoji let his shirt go and made a run for it, _the pimp_, Allen managed to stop himself from face-palming.

"No running in the hallway, too."

As subtle as he could, Allen sidestepped the professor and made his way to his forgotten trashcan. He was stopped, though, when a hand that belonged to the force of righteousness landed on his shoulder. Allen gulped on instinct.

"Walker. My office. Now."

With a defeated sigh Allen turned around and walked to the lion's den.

"Yes, Professor Link."

…..

Allen could say out right that he didn't enjoy his visits to Professor Howard Link's office. For one, the chair he was sitting on was so stiff he could almost hear his back bone crying out in pain. Also, these visits were starting to annoy Allen, much to his surprise. He knew he was a pretty mellow person and it takes much to get on his nerves. Maybe he was starting to develop an evil, darker side to his personality. Oh well, he already knew he was never meant to live the good life. He lived with Marian Cross. Go figure.

For a moment, Allen entertained himself by looking at nothing in particular. When that became boring, he instead looked at the moles on Professor Link's forehead. He soon regretted doing that. He almost busted a gut from trying not to laugh.

"How are you classes?"

Uh-oh, here we go.

"Fine." Allen answered easily.

"And your classmates?"

"Friendly as always."

"Friends?"

"We hang out a lot."

Of course, those were obvious lies, so obvious it made a vein pop out on Link's forehead.

"You're not fooling any one, Walker." Link said impatiently.

"Now, _why _would I want to fool anyone?" Allen tried to sound as innocent as the small cactus on the table, and he did one hell of a good job, too, if he say so himself.

"Allen, I'm supposed to be in charge of you. The least you could do is make my job easier." Link face palmed and groaned at the unfairness of it all.

Allen was feeling very sorry for this poor being. Really, Marian Cross could've picked a good for nothing bastard out there to take care of him and Allen could still handle it. Instead, the jerk chose this…this hardworking, diligent, kindred spirit in front of him and Allen was sure that in the year he'd been under Howard Link's supervision, he already managed to decrease the blond man's life span to the negatives.

_Without_ meaning to, of course.

Life with him was just destined to be rough.

Marian Cross spent those times frolicking on a flowery field somewhere, by the way.

"Do you not want it stop, huh?" Link asked.

"You know it would be useless."

"Allen, you know it won't."

They exchanged a hearty glare. There's nothing better to strengthen the bonds of friendship than a good argument. Just look at Allen and Cross' relationship.

"They will stop when you're around but what they'll do to me when your back is turned will be nastier, I can assure you that." Allen waved his hand daintily here and there as he spoke, like the topic didn't matter.

"I cou-."

"Li~i~ink. Li~i~ink." Allen whined to the tune of jingle bells. Another vein popped out on Link's forehead. "Seriously, Link, I can handle myself. If it makes you feel better, I'll tell you that I know Kung Fu."

"I'm still waiting for the day that you actually use it."

"I'm not a violent person, you know." Allen huffed, deeply offended. Does he look violent? Does this face look violent to you, huh?

"What would Marian say if he would look at you now?"

"He'll be _proud_, don't worry."

"No, Allen. He would be furious to the bones. Cross raised no pussy. They either end up leading a battalion of soldier to fight in the Middle East or spend the rest of their life in a high security prison. You know that."

"But I don't want that Link. You know I love peace."

"I know you do." Link looked at him straight in the eye as if looking for lies in it. He found a handful of it, to his disappointment.

"Okay. Just…just tell me you have a friend. Just one name and I won't bother you for the rest of the day."

Allen grinned.

"I'll give you two and we'll see each other next week."

Link knew he could only have one answer.

"Deal."

"Lavi and Yuu Kanda."

As Howard Link stared at the empty seat that Allen vacated the moment those two names left his lips, he realized that when he agreed to take care of Cross' supposed son, he should have thought about his life one year after that.

Really? Lavi Bookman and Yuu Kanda? Why was it that that boy always managed to get involved with the most unlikely people? Allen was never really meant to live the good life. The best thing Link could do at that moment was to call and check for his insurance.

….

Allen knew he was very, _very_ late for his homeroom class. He really, _really_ wanted to attend that class and he didn't want to give the professor any reason to humiliate him in front of everybody.

Speaking of every_body_, there was a large body blocking his way like the Great Wall of China. He wished it were Chaoji, then he could deck the bloke without anyone noticing. He could really defend himself. No, seriously. He just chose to live the life of the underdog for a change. _Seriously._

Right now, he was not enjoying it.

"Excuse me, Professor Mikk."

The Portuguese looked down and faked a gasp when he saw Allen. That was annoying, somehow. He wasn't that small. His growth hormone was just waiting for the right time to kick in.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Walker. I didn't see you there." But he didn't move out of the way.

Allen didn't have anything against this particular professor. He actually liked him. He was one of the few people who left Allen to his business and interferes only when it was necessary. He really, really liked him.

And right now, he would really like to punch him out of the way.

As a reminder, Allen is a person who is pro-peace.

"Do you need anything, Professor?" Allen asked politely.

Tyki Mikk gave him a mysterious smile that managed to give Allen the impression that Tyki Mikk wanted to get in his pants. That and many other unpleasant stuffs.

"No." Finally, he stepped aside.

Allen was already thinking if he should just skip class and be a bad boy for the day when Tyki Mikk spoke and reaffirmed Allen's belief that he was a pervert.

"I'll see you around Allen."

As he watched Tyki Mikk walk the other way Allen thought of two things simultaneously. He wondered if his stalker was somewhere in the vicinity and watching all this events and if he could somehow retrieve the trashcan in the locker hallway for safety precautions. He really liked that trashcan. He felt like they had a connection.

….

Lunch was the time of day when Allen could think without being distracted. The idiot population needed their veggies after all and so they were too busy loading themselves with carbs and had no time to spare for a waste of space like Allen Walker. And because Allen was just that smart, he resorted to packing his own lunch and hide at one of the empty music room in case the idiots got bored and turned on their favorite past time, which were looking at sexy cheerleaders, punching Allen, bitching about school projects, punching Allen, talking gibberish, and punching Allen.

Allen secretly thought that maybe he was actually the school heartthrob for all the attention he was getting.

Sitting at the front seat in an empty classroom on the third floor, the territory of the seniors, Allen pulled out the current source of his misery from his bag. _Another bag._ The bag his stalker dropped. From all the things he saw inside, especially the last one, he concluded that his stalker was attending the same school as he. And that he was present when Allen was in his PE class. The possible suspects were his classmates and his f-f-friends (that wasn't so hard, was it?) Lavi and Yuu Kanda. Or maybe someone who could access the changing rooms and lockers without anyone giving a damn. Yeah. Somehow the words _Tyki_ and _Mikk_ were being repeatedly chanted by his sixth sense. Why is that?

Anyway, his plan was simple. He would use the stalker's bag and the one who reacts to it will be **The One.**

As simple as that.

The complicated thing was what to do _after _that.

Allen wasn't going to think that far since it was still unsure if he was going to live after he learns the truth. For all he knew, his stalker might be an Arabian terrorist masquerading as a student to kidnap him and use him as bait to lure Cross. That was _very_ reassuring.

The door suddenly opened and Allen dived out of sight on instinct.

The bag didn't, though. Stupid bag.

"I can see you, idiot."

Allen stood up immediately more because of surprise than the fact that his white hair stuck out like a sore thumb it would be pointless to hide, anyway.

"K-Kanda?"

"…"

Yuu Kanda, one of the prime suspects on Allen's case of the decade was standing right here. Allen could feel the detective blood in his vein jump up and down with excitement.

Allen subtly pushed the bag off the desk where it made a satisfyingly loud sound. The sound drew the Japanese's attention to it. Kanda glared. The bag cowered in fear. In Allen's imagination, at least.

"Ooops, sorry." Allen waved off his fake clumsiness and crouched to pick up the bag and its discarded content. Kanda ignored him.

_Well, that was lame_. Allen's detective blood shouted 'Boo' and threw rotten potatoes in Kanda's direction.

"Why are you here?" Kanda asked. The Japanese walked and sat at the desk next to Allen's and it was only then that his brain actually kicked in.

He was inside a room with Yuu Kanda. The Yuu Kanda. The modern shinsengumi with a real sword. Allen was still wondering what 'shinsengumi' was and if it was edible but _whatever_. Any word that was in the same sentence with 'Yuu Kanda' was supposed to be terrifying. Who was Allen to question that fact?

He was so lost in his thought that he didn't notice the very close proximity of the Japanese until he felt fingers on his chin. He was made to look up at the black pools of dark darkness that was supposed to be Kanda's eyes. Allen felt his soul being pulled out through his mouth, which, by the way, was hanging open.

"I was asking you a question." Kanda demanded.

"Buuuh…? " Allen was really intelligent when it comes to talking to others. _Especially_ Japanese others. You don't want to bore those Japanese.

Kanda let go of him with a 'che' and he felt his soul returning to its proper position. Allen immediately packed his things and ran the hell out of there.

It was a miracle he was still alive.

...

During all of Allen's class, he always put the cursed bag in a place where anyone could see it. So far his plan was letting him down. No one was even paying attention to him. He somehow knew it was because of the changing room incident. You never want to piss off seniors if you want to get married and spread your genes all over the world. Nosiree.

By the end of last period, Allen's hope of knowing the identity of his stalker was all splattered on the dirty floor. And to put icing to the cake, someone thought it was funny to paint Allen's locker pink with crude names written all over it. When Allen opened his locker, he found half of his belongings painted gay. Allen thought it was cute.

The only good thing that happened to him that day was when he found his beloved trashcan outside of Professor Link's office. Link's concern for his well being was really touching Allen could cry. Maybe later.

Another good thing was that no one was following him. He made sure of it. He was walking backwards with the trashcan under his arm to be sure. He realized he was doing a good job at it that he decided to make his middle name 'Backward'. Allen Backward Walker. Yeah, that sounds nice.

As he was walking backwards and looking around at the same time, he noticed a familiar head of purest red mercilessly punching the living daylights out of a claw machine. You know, that annoying game at arcades where you waste half of your living expenses and only get one toy. And that was when you're lucky.

"Lavi!" he called out without thinking.

Lavi paused in his claw machine massacre and grinned sheepishly when he realized he had an audience.

"Allen, my friend! What brings you here on this fine day?" Lavi asked cheerfully, hand still poised to punch a hole through the machine.

"Uh, my house is this way."

"Oh _really_?" there was something suspicious with the way Lavi said those words. But there was also something suspicious with the way Lavi _breathes_ so Allen decided that is was nothing to worry about. He looked over Lavi's shoulder to see if the claw machine somehow survived the attack.

That act only caused Allen to have a conniption.

Something familiar was staring right back at him from inside the glass case. It was yellow, it was grinning maliciously at him and Allen swore he saw its teeth go 'Ping!'

"Allen. You okay? You're turning blue, you know."

Allen thumped himself on the chest to keep his lungs working.

"That…that thing." Allen managed to gasp in between greedy intakes of oxygen. He pointed a shaky finger at 'that thing' and Lavi followed.

"What? Timcanpy? It's cute, right?"

Allen didn't answer Lavi. He was too busy pulling out something from his bag. Finally he managed to get it out and shoved it at Lavi's nose.

Lavi gasped in recognition.

"My bag! Where did you find it! I've been looking all over for it!" Lavi took hold of the bag and did a little victory dance which was just a lot of ass shaking, nothing creative, really. Allen's brain was too fried to find it funny. He was that shocked.

Lavi? _LAVI? _What the _hell?_

"You…you STALKER!" Allen roared as he lifted the trashcan and tried to pulverize Lavi with it. He was _so_ going down!

"Allen, what are you doing!"

RAWR! CRACK!

"KILLING YOU, YOU BASTARD!"

CHOKE SLAM!

"But WHY!"

FROG SPLASH!

"You own that BAG!"

619!

"Yeah, but I haven't seen it since Yuu borrowed it from me one week ago!"

PAUSE!

"Yuu?"

"Yeah, Yuu Kanda. Dude, you almost ruined my face."

STUTTER!

"B-bu-bu-but…"

"Hmm?"

As answer to Lavi's incoherent question, Allen tipped down the bag and let all the contents fall out.

All Lavi said was "…Oh…"

Really, Lavi? I thought you could do better than that.

"Oh shit." Lavi finished.

Much better.

And then Lavi scratched the back of his neck and smiled apologetically at Allen.

"I was just kidding when I told him to stalk you. I'm pretty sure he means you no harm." Lavi said and his smile transformed into a reassuring one.

Like hell that would make him feel any better.

His stalker was Yuu Kanda.

His stalker was a JAPANESE! Allen wasn't a racist and he doesn't mean anything by that statement.

But still, how could he rest assured when he had a Japanese stalker on his tail?

….

_Ring…Ring…Ri-_

"Hello?…Oh, you called early… Yeah, he's here…You want to meet him already?...No, I just think you should wait a little longer…Heh, yeah, I know how much you love reunions, Earl…Yeah, goodbye."

=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=

DUN DUN…Dun?

Hello again! I can't believe I updated after just a week. Do you know why? It's because of all the reviews I got! 11? Really? That's already too many for me.

Thank you to:

**Kura-Chama, Araven14, RoyaiAllenaleeRight, Mr. Ree and Mr. Meenor, The Puppeteer Master, ElricLawliet, SNVN, waterlit, Pearl of the Orient Seas, addenza, hime-tan**

**And thank you to all who faved and alerted.**

You guys are all great!

I can't believe nobody thought of Kanda being the stalker. I guess it would be too predictable, right? And now that Kanda turned out to be the stalker I'm going to lose half of the readers because 'Dude, there are, like, thousands of Yullen out there and we don't want another one, like, dur."

So yeah, good luck to me.

I tried to write the way I did in the first chapter but this one is a total fail. I didn't know half of what I was writing in chapter one. I was young, then, less jaded.

The line that says 'The world as Allen saw it is hell' is a very cute line by Lavi in the manga. The Choke Slam, Frog Splash and 619 are wrestling techniques, I think. I don't watch WWE anymore.

Thank you for reading!

STEP 3: FACE YOUR FEAR


	3. STEP 3

Your stalker turned out to be a hot guy and you just so happened to be slightly on the not straight side. Jackpot!...not. Your hot guy stalker turned out to be Yuu Kanda. You know, The Yuu Kanda? The evil villain? The final Big Boss at the end of the game that you have to kill? The Japanese who eats puppies for breakfast?

So yeah, good luck.

Now, don't cry, you big baby! Man up a bit, flex those muscles and show that guy that you are a manly man and there is no way that you will just bend over and take it up the ass just like that!

…

No. You wouldn't…yeah.

Anyway! Even though you are currently drowning in your own misery for having a stalker that you surely didn't ask for, do not lose hope. The whole point of this guide thingy is to help you get rid of your annoying personal demon while staying positive all the way. We will not just abandon you like a poor puppy so that a Japanese can kick your albino behind. No.

Even though your stalker is supposed to be your arch nemesis here, you still have to consider his thoughts and feelings. Most importantly, you have to know why, GODS WHY!, he chose to follow YOU since it's clear that you are both sporting the same equipment in your pants.

Maybe, due to some extreme bout of idiocy, he mistook you for the cute Chinese transfer student even through the obvious difference. Lenalee Lee is a LONG, BLACK haired GIRL. On the other hand you, Allen Walker, are a SHORT, WHITE haired GUY. The lack of tits should have given it away.

Whatever demented reason he got you still need to find it out, just so all the craziness can end and you can still maintain your chastity.

So it's time for step 3!

STEP 3: FACE YOUR FEAR

…..

Allen Walker was having the worst day of his life. He came to this conclusion not because he was sitting inside of a car with a stranger nor the fact that a group of mafia freak was out there to roast his ass. No. It was the fact that Mana Walker was dead. He was very sure of that. After all, he had been holding Mana close even as the man let out his last breath and Allen's white shirt had been soaked through with his father's blood. He knew that but still, his mind was having a hard time grasping this fact.

Because it was one of the things in this world that was easy to think but hard to understand.

Plus, this man's sudden appearance was not helping him. It was just adding to the confusion piled up inside Allen's brain that needed to be sorted out soon.

He still didn't know when 'soon' was.

The red haired man in front of him was not even paying attention to Allen! Oh the nerve of him. After dragging him forcefully out of the house, away from Mana and literally kicking him in this car, the bastard actually had the gal to ignore Allen's existence as if it were a normal hobby of his to kidnap underage virgins!

That was unacceptable.

"Who the fuck are you?" Allen snarled, throwing his manners in the trash since there was no point in going all 'good boy' now. No one was going to tell him off anyway.

Allen felt warmth in his eyes and he blinked several times to make it go away.

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth, brat?" the red haired asked nonchalantly.

"Who the fuck are you?" Allen repeated.

Allen expected another bastardy comment.

"Marian Cross."

It was a total shock for him when he actually got an answer.

But as the saying goes, one answer leads to more questions.

"Why did you kidnap me?"

"I didn't kidnap you, brat."

"Why did you kidnap me?"

And so began the battle of the assholes.

Their 'conversation' continued on in the same manner. It seemed that this Marian Cross needed to hear the same question twice before he gave a barely acceptable answer. And even then, he didn't give it without insulting Allen's general person like it was his obligation to do so.

Sometime later, when Allen got the time to reflect on their first meeting, Allen knew that his relationship with Marian Cross was doomed from the start.

Allen learned from interrogating Cross that Mana Walker and his brother was related to a certain group that was related to the mafia. For some reason, maybe out of boredom, they chose to load their machine guns, heat up their bazookas and go out on a man hunt that then led to Mana Walkers death which in turn brought the appearance of Marian Cross, womanizer/ drunkard/ sort of Mana's brother's friend/ possible pedophile extraordinaire.

Which brings Allen back to his current situation.

"They're after me?"

"Yeah, I didn't believe it myself. I mean, what could they possibly want from _you_?" that statement was really meant to be offensive.

"But then…why did they have to k-kil…" Allen trailed off; still not ready to face the fact that his foster father was actually dead. His 10 year old mind can only take so much in one go.

"I don't know and I most definitely do not care. I got you out of there and my job is done." Cross blew a puff of smoke on Allen's face. Allen felt the sudden urge to break the bastard's pretty nose.

"You say it like it doesn't matter, like my father was just a dog that got run over by a car, like my life is nothing significant. What kind of horrible person are you!" Allen blurted out in one breath. He growled low in his throat when Marian Cross didn't even spare him a glance.

"You know," Cross began, throwing his cigarette on the floor and stepping on it. "I could actually care _less_."

Allen was about to start a bitch-slapping fest the moment Marian Cross closed his mouth, but he found himself being held by the collar of his shirt and lifted away from the asshole when all he wanted to do that time was to break every bone Cross had. Only then could he die happy and join Mana in heaven with a smile.

"We're here."

Allen paused in his attempt at murder at the sound of that feminine voice. He was put down on the ground and when he turned around, it was at the sight of the weirdest woman in the world. Her was appearance was screaming suspicious at every angle.

"You're weird." Allen couldn't stop blurting out.

Allen knew that behind the mask she was wearing was the most scorching glare a human was allowed to give. But he didn't care because the woman was wearing a mask that covered the top half of her face and her hair was in a tight bun and she was wearing a weird dress that Allen only saw on the black and white movies Mana was very fond of watching and to Allen, it was weird on a different level.

"Don't mind the brat, Maria. Park the car. We'll go in from here."

Allen was about to ask where they were going but his question was answered when he looked up, up and UP and saw the most kick-ass mansion he had ever seen in his ten years of existence.

They where still a few meters away, standing next to a circular fountain, and even when the car was already driven away and Marian Cross was already walking to the large front door, all Allen did was stare open mouthed.

"Brat, move it." This command was followed by three consecutive shots that would have left Allen's brain splattered on the dirty ground had Cross didn't miss. The sad thing was that Allen knew the miss wasn't intentional.

"Oh, I miss." Cross muttered.

Yeah, this guy wanted him dead.

That night, after a very grand dinner, courtesy of Cross' butler, Maria ("Your butler is a GIRL!" BANG! "Are you a sexist, brat?") Allen was shown to his new room which…wasn't much of a room to begin with. When Allen was led outside and in front of a miserable looking shed, he knew, he just knew that things were only going to get worse.

He didn't even have the time to mourn for Mana. Life with Cross was just that horrible.

…..

Allen Walker didn't even stop to wonder why he started his day with a flashback. Looking up at Lavi's barely innocent face, he already knew the reason why.

It was amazing how ones misery can bring two people together.

Unfortunately, both events were not amazing in the way Allen wanted them to be.

Meeting Marian Cross had been amazingly traumatizing.

And spending more and more quality time with Lavi was becoming amazingly annoying by the minute.

After the earth shattering revelation that Yuu Kanda was in fact Allen Walker's stalker, it seemed that the red-haired senior found it to be his obligation to guard Allen and his chastity from perverts. Especially Japanese perverts. Not that Allen thought Kanda wanted in his pants, but he can never be too sure. Yuu Kanda was known to be as unpredictable as Lavi. And Lavi was as unpredictable as…something that was…unpredictable. Yeah. His brain was pretty messed up that morning.

It had been already two days since Allen found himself with an unwanted bodyguard in addition to his unwanted stalker. And Lavi was proving to be as much of a headache as Kanda was.

Were red heads meant to be the bane of his existence? Is he going to lose his virginity to one? Well, Kanda was not a red head so that was a bonus.

Anyway, it wasn't that Lavi was bad company. There was just the fact that the senior seemed to be suffering from a severe case of…diarrhea of the mouth.

He kept spilling out whatever came to his mind and it was driving Allen insane! One moment he was talking about school projects and then he'll suddenly jump to the topic of whether Pluto was actually a star because, DAMN, Pluto had been his favorite planet of all and then the next second he'll be talking about something that was not related whatsoever on the two topics before. Which was good and all, if only he didn't somehow manage to pry some personal information off of Allen.

Let it be known that Allen was a social hermit at heart. He didn't mind having company, sure, but when said company became to close for comfort, his natural instinct was to hide somewhere and wait for them to forget about his existence. After that, Allen would go back to his usual pace until another company comes his way and the process will be repeated over and over again.

So far it wasn't working. Two days ago, Allen woke up to the sound of Lady Gaga's Telephone being knocked on his door. He opened it and there was Lavi in all his Lavi glory. He had asked him how in the world he knew Allen's address and the red head just answered him with a nonchalant wave of the hand and an 'A little bird told me.'

Allen had to wonder then who the real stalker was, Lavi or Kanda.

Except for Lavi's mouth disease and his inexplicable ability to dig out your deepest, darkest secret from a simple conversation of nouns and pronouns, Lavi was fine.

And he also make a good bodyguard, if Allen do say so himself.

This is when Yuu Kanda comes in.

Allen had never noticed how…how close he was to the Japanese every time he goes to the library or his locker or the toilet. It was only through Lavi's constant greeting to Kanda that made him aware of just how oblivious he was to his surrounding. Like, he didn't even notice that Kanda was standing next to him while he was pissing until Lavi shouldered his way in between them. And goodness, was the Japanese checking him and little Allen out? Like really looking at them with those dark eyes of his? Hell yeah. It was a wonder little Allen didn't shrivel and die from the scrutiny. Then he wouldn't be able to produce Allen babies and that would be a downer.

So yeah, maybe having Lavi around also has its perks. And his bullies seemed to realize that he had a friend, an actual living person of a friend that talks to him and walks with him and, one time, ate with him during lunch. If only Lavi would just shut up for a second and let Allen breathe then he would be A-OK in Allen's book.

Allen told him just that the moment he reached his locker that Friday morning.

"What?" Lavi asked, smiling like the idiot that Allen knew he wasn't.

"Lavi, it…it's not that I hate it when you talk to me, just, could you please, uhmmm…you know." By the look Lavi gave him Allen was sure that the senior didn't know.

Allen really hated to say it, but he had to. He needed to get this out of his system.

"Lavi, please shut up."

Lavi's mouth fell open in a small 'o' of surprise and finally, he shut up. He looked kind of disappointed, Allen observed, but telling him about the secret behind Lays Potato Chips could wait another day…or two. Make that a year.

"Okay." Lavi answered in a little voice looking like the puppy that got kicked in the ass…hard.

Allen wasn't even able to summon a little amount of guilt for telling the senior off when said senior suddenly perked up and waved manically to someone far behind Allen. Allen managed to dodge in time to avoid getting a black eye.

"Yuu!"

Allen automatically tensed, turning around robotically to look at the current fish bone stuck in his throat. Yuu Kanda.

The Japanese's eyes were practically killing Lavi in the most painful way possible and Allen wondered why Lavi still hadn't keeled over and died. Maybe he was immortal. If it's Lavi, it wasn't impossible.

Allen also noted that the degree of Kanda's glare was getting higher and higher every time he saw Allen and Lavi together. Maybe he was finally realizing that his secret was out and Lavi was most definitely the whistle blower.

Naturally, Allen didn't fell sorry for him.

Lavi had told him that Kanda found him interesting. When Kanda told this to Lavi, the senior joked that Kanda was in love and he should most definitely become a stalker. It was cool and so Kanda-ish, after all.

Because of that, Allen wanted to kill someone. Lavi, if you want to be technical.

"Fuck you, idiot. Don't call me that." Kanda glared at Lavi but Allen didn't miss the quick glance in his direction when he said the words 'fuck' and 'you'.

PERVERTPERVERTPERVERTPERVERT!

It was the only word he kept chanting the whole time Kanda was standing almost next to him.

Lavi and Kanda talked about this and that and all Allen wanted to do was to run as far away from the Japanese as possible. Like, very far away.

"Hey, Al. Yuu and I'll be going." Lavi patted his back cheerfully and winked. At least, that's what Allen thought it was. It definitely looked like a blink because Lavi only had one visible eye, but it's the thought that counts so whatever.

Lavi dragged a reluctant and positively grumpy Kanda away from him and at times like this, Allen was grateful that he was friends with Lavi.

Allen turned back to his locker and gathered his books, wondering all the while why Kanda found him interesting. He didn't even look at the guy before this. Did he? And even if he found Allen interesting, it still was not a good reason to stalk him. So why, why, why, why, whywhyWHY!

Allen sighed, placing his books inside his bag and walking to his first morning class. He absentmindedly skipped over a foot that was meant to trip him, concluding that this case needed some proper investigation. If only Google and wikipedia could help him with this then life would be easier.

…..

Allen was surprised to learn that Lavi managed to keep Kanda away from him the whole day. It was almost a miracle in and of itself. Sometimes even if Lavi was nearly breathing behind Kanda's neck, he still manages to disappear from the red heads sight and magically appear somewhere within Allen's personal bubble.

Today, however, Allen was already out of the gates of Gray Academy and he still couldn't see any sign of long, black hair or the aura of death associated with Kanda's presence.

Even as he walked to his house, he couldn't feel any presence following him. Being used to Lavi's company for the past few days was making Allen a little anxious because of the silence.

When he turned a corner, he spotted a group of punks trying to scare an ice cream out of a terrified 7 year old girl. Heavens, don't they have any shame?

They didn't notice Allen walking in their direction and Allen took that moment to look at their faces. To his surprise, the group of punks actually looked familiar to him. He vaguely remembered them from two weeks ago.

He had been walking back home a little earlier than usual since it was only the sports festival and every one knew no body minded If you skipped classes then. The same group of wannabe bullies was trying their hands on making little babies cry and they were actually doing a good job at it. If only they weren't 17 and their victim 8, then it would have looked impressive. Sadly they were and it made them looked annoyingly pathetic in Allen's eyes.

So the most logical thing to do back then was to beat the living shit out of them. Which Allen did.

As mentioned last chapter, Allen knew how to do Kung Fu.

So he used Ashi-guruma, Kata-guruma, Sumi-otoshi, and Uki-goshi which obviously was judo techniques but whatever, it got the job done, anyway.

Allen had hoped then that the idiots finally learned their lesson but what he was witnessing right now says otherwise.

Perfect timing, though. He really wanted to kill someone, today. Lavi, to be technical, but Allen owed him too much so these guys will do.

One, two, three, four, Allen counted. Huh, they were five last time. At least one of them had a brain.

"Hey, guys!" Allen greeted cheerfully.

The punks turned at him in unison. The 7 year old brat ran, but that was okay. The following scenes would be rated NC17 for gore and blood so kids were not aloud to watch.

"Hey, it's the punk from last time." Idiot #1 exclaimed, pure loathing coating his words.

The others growled in agreement and they walked in a circle around Allen, cracking their knuckles and thinking that they got him cornered.

"I'm honored that you remembered me." Allen said, his smile getting more strained.

Idiot #2 made a hacking sound and spat at Allen's shoe.

"Don't get cocky on us, dork. You only got us by surprise last time." Idiot #3 smirked at him, pulling a small knife from his back pocket.

Cheater.

And of course, idiot #4 had to put his two cents in. "You can either scream for help or run for your life, but either way, " here he paused for dramatic effect. "You'll still get your ugly, faggot ass handed to you."

There were three things that Allen hated the most in the world.

Marian Cross

The word 'debt'

Cheaters who spits at his shoe and calls him a faggot.

Chaoji was somewhere in the top 10.

Anyway, he wasn't a faggot. That was a little harsh. He was just a little…bent, like a boomerang.

After the heart moving little speech of idiot #4, the fight was on. It was kind of anti-climactic, though. Four consecutive judo techniques later, the punks were all piles of tangled bones of crying babies on the ground.

As Allen continued on his way home, he thought that beating those guys had been a waste of time and energy. Now he needed to eat and he needed to eat now. Sadly, the only thing on his ref was half a cabbage and two eggs. Tomorrow would be pay day at his part time job, but right now, the cabbage and egg will have to do. Beggars can't be picky and he still considers himself bankrupt until he paid off Cross' debts or until he died, whichever comes first.

….

Allen thought that Lavi would never be able to surprise him more, but Allen momentarily forgot that there was this thing called irony and that irony was a bitch to anyone who ignores it.

So it was no surprise that he was surprised when the door to Black Order Noodles and Grills opened that Saturday morning to admit Lavi in.

"Allen!"

Allen didn't answer.

Lavi sat at the small bar where Allen was standing as if it was his place to be.

Allen didn't move.

"Allen?"

Allen blinked.

"Lavi…"

Lavi smiled.

"How are ya this morning?" Lavi greeted.

"Would it be pointless to ask how you knew I work here at weekends?"

"I guess." Lavi shrugged. "Aren't ya goin' to take my order?"

Allen looked at him stupidly. "What's your order?"

Lavi smiled, again. "Sorry Al, I just ate breakfast."

Allen almost lost his job when he lunged from his seat behind the bar to yank at Lavi's hair, wailing like a banshee all the while. In his defense, it was either that, or choking Lavi to death so really, Lavi should be thankful he only lost a few strands of hair.

Lavi stayed there for over an hour, just looking around and being an annoyance to Allen. Allen got his break at 11:15. He immediately pulled off his apron and ran out the back door, looking for any sign of red head as he did so. He made it safely out the back door but he felt his heart plummet down the pavement when he spotted Lavi waiving at him at the front of the Noodle and Grill house.

"You weren't running away from me, were you?"

"Yes. I was." Allen said truthfully. Lavi gasped and put a hand over his heart.

"You hurt me, Allen. I thought we were BFF."

"You thought wrong." Allen muttered lamely, too tired to feel really angry. He just wanted his life to go back to its usual boring way. Too much excitement and surprise does bad things to his heart.

"Why are you here?"

Lavi smiled and it was not the usual smile he always gave Allen. It was a serious smile and it was creeping the shit out of Allen.

"I talked to Yuu. I mean, Kanda. You know, about the stalking thing. I really tried to talk him out of it but." Lavi grabbed both of Allen's shoulder to convey just how serious things were. "Al, I'm really sorry. I did my best, but I guess my best wasn't good enough." Lavi sighed dramatically.

"…Lavi, was that-?"

"Listen. Allen. I know that you think Yuu is a…a weird, creepy…guy. But I think you shouldn't judge him just because he's stalking you. Like I said before, he doesn't mean you any harm it's just…"

"Lavi, what are you getting at? Please tell me, already. You just wasted my break time."

"You have to talk to him."

…

Say what?

"Say _what_?"

"You." Lavi pointed a finger at Allen. "Talk." He made hand puppet actions with both hands. "To Kanda." Lavi squinted his eyes and tried to copy Kanda's glare.

It would have been funny if it weren't for the fact that Lavi was implying something. Something that was almost close to committing suicide.

Oh no.

"Lavi, is this a prank?" He asked carefully.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Are you on drugs?"

"Allen please! Just…just talk to him and be yourself. I think…I think Kanda is being a little confused right now."

And yeah, that really explains a lot, Lavi. Thank you very much.

And as in all stories, Lavi left him then with a pat on his shoulder and a weak smile. If he was attempting to make him feel clueless and confused, he can call it mission accomplished.

….

Allen had been too busy that week end, what with trying to make ends meet and some school work, so the only time he got to think about Lavi's suggestion was Sunday night. And what a night that was.

He only got a few hours of sleep and by the time he got to school, he almost fell asleep while walking twice.

He had to admit that talking to Kanda was the best option. He could get some answers to his questions and he could tell the guy what his thoughts about this case were. So all in all, it was like hitting two birds with one stone.

He also had to admit that Lavi wasn't as crazy as he seemed to be. It was like Lavi was doing things on purpose to achieve a goal. You wouldn't know that you were dancing on the palm of his hand until it's too late. That was kind of creepy.

The only problem with Lavi's suggestion though, was that Allen didn't know how to ask Kanda to have a private talk with him without looking like he was a fanboy about to confess his undying love.

Maybe a letter? Yeah, that was a good idea.

_Dear Kanda,_

_Please meet me at the back of the Science building after school. We need to talk. It's not working out and I think you can't see me anymore. It's not you, it's me. _

Allen looked down at his paper in horror. What. The. HELL? Why did he sound like he was breaking up with the guy? He was totally hopeless.

There was no point in writing another letter now. He would be late for his class and Kanda was not going to check his locker until lunch break so he still got some time. He carelessly threw the paper behind him.

He took two steps but was stopped from taking a third when a firm, warm hand held his shoulder. He looked around and cursed his luck because Kanda was standing there with Allen's letter in one hand and his eyes were so dark and cold and Allen was going to die!

"Let's go."

Kanda didn't seem to need Allen's approval because he was already dragging Allen away from civilization and possible witnesses to the gruesome murder that was about to happen.

All Allen could do was pray that he wouldn't die a virgin. Because, you know, that would totally suck.

Allen was trembling all over when they reached the back of the science building. Kanda let go of his shoulder and…just…stood there. Waiting.

Oh…

Oh, right.

"So…you read my letter. Heh. By the way, that uniform looks good on you."

LAME, Allen. _LAME_!

Kanda waited.

"Uh…Okay." Time to prove to the world that he was a manly man with a penis. A penis, DAMNIT! "So, I…kind of noticed that you've been following me around last week and, heh, you know, I'm not one to judge someone immediately by their actions. You seem like a nice guy, actually!" _LIES! _"What I want to say, is…that…I appreciate that you find me interesting and all but…could you…please…stop." The last word came out as a squeak that would put Allen's family name to shame. But who cares? He got everything out and he was still alive. Ha!

And then Kanda snorted.

"I think you flatter yourself too much."

_Huh? _

"You're actually not as interesting as you might think you are. In fact, you're pretty boring, even by human standards."

_Ouch. That…that hurt._

Allen stared. Kanda didn't walk away though, like in most shoujo themed manga were the girl gets dumped by the guy of his dreams, which was fine by Allen because he was not a girl and Kanda was definitely not the man of his dreams.

Kanda still looked like he was waiting for something.

Allen's mind processed Kanda's words, finding the right emotion to reply with and when he finally did, he was this close, _THIS _close, from committing the most gruesome murder of the decade.

"You…YOU BASTARD! RETARDED JAPANESE! FREAKY STALKER! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME BORING WHEN MY LIFE IS MORE EXCITING THAN…THAN YOUR BORING JAPANESE PIECE OF SHIT LIFE! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT, YOU HERE ME! NO RIGHT TO TELL ME THOSE STUPID WORDS! YOU"RE STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!"

The STUPID!'s were accompanied by wild shakings of his head. Allen didn't even realize that he was crying manly tears until he tasted something salty in his mouth. He stopped.

He looked up and when he did, Allen saw the most stupefying sight in all his life. Kanda was smiling. Kanda was smiling at him. Allen was still too stunned to even register the fact that Kanda had walked until he was standing in front of Allen and he was hugging him and laughing like he just received his Christmas present 9 months earlier.

"I'm right. You're just like him."

And then, out of the blue, Kanda leaned down and kissed Allen's tears away. Like a lover.

It was all too much for Allen. When Kanda stepped away from him, Allen couldn't stop the new flood of tears that ran down his cheeks because the craziness just kept escalating more and more and…and he felt like dying.

Please let this be all a nightmare.

But Allen already learned from past experiences that the gods weren't that kind and that they found a sick kind of entertainment watching Allen's life get fucked up each passing day.

Without a word, Kanda turned his back on him and walked away. Just like that. Allen loathed him more because he got the cool exit while Allen got the role of a jilted girlfriend. Only, it seemed to be the other way around.

Now, more than ever, he felt the urge to kill someone. Lavi, technically speaking.

…

**LAST FRIDAY, AFTER SCHOOL**

"Yuu, just snap out of it already. Please. Allen, he's…he's not _him._ You know that, right?"

"Shut up."

"You're being stupid. Why can't you just move on and forget the past. I mean, it's already been two years. He's not even worth it but-."

PUNCH!

"Shut. Up."

"…Fine. Be that way. I just want you to know that in the end, you'll just be hurt. You'll both be hurt. You and Allen."

"…shut up."

=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=

I'm sorry. I really am. I'm feeling kind of down right now and I really tried to make it funny but I just can't. I even had to read lots of crack fanfics to lighten my mood but…sorry.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I can get the next chapter up by next week. I have exams and I need to study. Urgh.

Thanks to all the reviewers. As always, you guys are my sun, my air, my STEROIDS!...uh,sorry.

I can't get the names all here because the internet is kind of blah. You know who you are!

And thank you to the guys who told me that they will still read my story even though it's Yullen and most readers find Yullen boring.

By the way, the first and last parts are flashbacks, I don't like reading or writing in Italic so, yeah. I think it's kind of obvious, though. And the story is getting a little confusing. I don't even know what I'll write next chapter.

So, see you next chapter!

STEP 4: GIVE SUBTLE HINTS THAT YOU WANT HIM TO STOP


	4. STEP 4

After the very enlightening 2 minute and 16 second conversation (minus the enlightening part) with your stalker, you now find yourself with 3 conclusions.

First: Due to the fact that he basically told you that your life is as exciting as the dirt in his toenail but still insists on following you around, his whole life is a complete contradiction and he is in DE-NI-AL.

Second: Due to the fact that he pissed you off on purpose and then proceeded to be illegally touchy-feely with you in the course of 7 seconds, he has been living all his life without knowing that he is constantly being possessed by a perverted ghost at the very wrong moments.

Third: Due to the fact that you didn't get any useful information from your stalker because you just stood there frozen like a sorry block of white-haired ice cube and the stalking still continues then STEP 3 had been a complete and utter failure.

You look over these 3 conclusion several times and realize that, shit, you're life is totally doomed. You failed to put a stop to your stalkers diabolical plan and gave him more reason to double his efforts in making you feel like you're being violated by his eyes alone. Even in the dark.

And yeah, that is so not good.

Even though your case is totally hopeless that you already have half a mind of shaving your head bald, grabbing your passport and seeking refuge in a country far, far away, there is still hope for you. Please excuse the complete inconsistency of that statement. If you don't, then that tinsy-winsy bit of hope that exists in your totally hopeless situation would spontaneously combust and you will be left in the dark. With your stalker…Forever…

The only advantage you have here is the knowledge that you KNOW someone is following you and that he could see and hear and FEEL your every action. Use this fact to CONVEY, CHANNEL, TELL him in little ways that you actually meant what you said last chapter and you weren't joking when you said that you want him to stop, like, now.

After that…well, after that is still a mystery. But hey! What would life be without it?

STEP 4: GIVE SUBTLE HINTS THAT YOU WANT HIM TO STOP

….

It was one of Allen's many quirky habits to pray every waking moment of his life, and since he'd been lucky to be awake that Wednesday morning, he slowly sat up on his bed, closed his eyes again and prayed.

_Mana, who art in heaven, how are you? Good? Fine? Fantastic? Okay, I've been meaning to ask you this ever since the crazy in my life escalated far off the charts. Are you, by any chance, still mad at me because of the corndog incident? Because, you see, I think someone up there is plotting against me and I can't think of anybody else. Well except for Cross, but he's not dead. Yet. Wait, is he?_

_Anyway, I just hope that you were telling the truth when you told me that everything you did was for my best interest and you would never put me in harm's way._

_Oh and by the way, it was your brother who told me to put hot sauce in _**there**, _so I was innocent…_

_Errr….Amen._

Allen opened his eyes and somewhere between Amen and thinking of all the food he would eat today without feeling guilty for demolishing his paycheck under the guise of making up for lost time, he realized that he had a killer headache and that the room was spinning. And, wow, was the TV meant to be in that position?

Allen tried to stand up but ended up stumbling backwards on his bed because he totally felt the blood rush up to his head like a horde of buffalos and it felt horrible. It was so horrible that he couldn't help the pained scream from leaving his lips which in turn upped the level of his headache to unworldly proportions. He told himself that that would be the last time he would scream until this torture ended. But then the door just had to open after this and Allen let out a 'KYAAAHHHH!11ONE" so loud it probably broke glass somewhere in the neighborhood.

Lavi was standing there with the most innocent face he could muster without looking like a puppy. Allen noticed that he was holding a tray-his tray- of food-his food-with a glass of orange juice-again, his.

Allen also noticed that Lavi was in _his_ house.

"HOW DID YOU GET IN? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY FOOD! I COULD SUE YOU FOR BREAKING AND ENTERING! URGH! MY BRAIIIIINNNN!" After this tirade of almost-nonsense, Allen fell back down on the bed, doing a very good job of looking very dead.

Lavi looked alarmed and immediately went on Allen's side, looking all over for any sign of self-induced damage. He found none, since Allen's brain was inside his head, and the redhead plopped down the carpeted floor with an almost inaudible sigh of relief. And then he remembered Allen's questions.

"Of course I entered through the front door. The food is for you. And you can't sue me, Allen, since I didn't break anything."

Something exploded in the kitchen and the sprinklers went off.

Lavi scratched his chin awkwardly. "Uhhh…wait here for a moment."

After five minutes of cheerful cursing outside the room, wherein Allen's egg sandwich drowned on the plate before the indoor rain stopped, Lavi opened the door to Allen's room once more, smiling sheepishly. The moment he stepped away from the door, the knob gave a mournful kind of groan and fell on the floor, totally broken.

Lavi scratched the back of his neck this time. "Eheh…sorry. I tried to not break that but your room was locked so…I really had no choice." A very subtle side glance in Allen's direction told Lavi that the younger boy was not impressed and that he would need to call for legal assistance soon.

Knowing very well that he couldn't do anything about these things for now, Allen reluctantly made himself comfortable on the bed, eying Lavi suspiciously.

"Why are you here, Lavi?" Then realizing something, he changed the question. "Wait, what time is it?"

Lavi grabbed his shoulders when Allen attempted to get up, shaking his head slightly.

"It's already past 9. You're already late for school. And you wouldn't be able to go to school anyway, since you have a fever."

"A fever?"

"Yeah, a fever."

Silence.

"Why are you here, Lavi?"

Lavi smiled.

"I'm your nurse."

How did that happen?

"What do you mean?"

"Eh? Did you forget? You've been out of it since Monday and you went to school with a fever yesterday. Link told me that I should take care of you until you get better since you live alone and I'm your only not-likely-to kill-you-while-you-sleep friend. He was really worried. I've never seen him like that before, you know. I don't know what the deal between you two is but I thi-." Lavi stopped and looked questioningly at Allen when he didn't react.

Yesterday? What happened yesterday? He somehow knew that it was already Wednesday but his last clear memory was Monday morning, with Kanda and then he thought something in his head had snapped then and maybe his brain hadn't been fully functional for the rest of the day AND the day after that.

Who could blame him? That event had been very traumatizing.

"Allen?" A light touch on his shoulder and the softly spoken name broke Allen's thoughts. Lavi was looking at him worriedly.

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You look very pale." He moved suddenly and before Allen could protest, both their foreheads were touching. Allen closed his eyes and tried to stop the blush from appearing on his cheeks. Guys weren't meant to be this touchy-feely to other guys! Even though he's slightly gay!

"What the bloody hell are you doing?" Allen asked, trying to shove Lavi away, but he felt so tired he ended up clutching Lavi's shirt.

"Checking your temperature, what else? I think your fever's subsided a little, but you still need to rest." Lavi noticed Allen's hand clutching his shirt. "…" He didn't pull away.

The door, already suffering from knob-loss, slammed open, hitting the side wall hard and leaving a very large dent that would cause Allen money, lots of it. But he didn't notice this. He was too busy gaping at the man who kicked the door open. He was still clutching Lavi's shirt and Lavi still wasn't pulling away.

A hand grabbed the side of the door and slammed it close again.

Allen let go of Lavi's shirt. Lavi pulled away.

"…was that Kanda?" Allen asked, desperately hoping for a miracle, some kind of divine intervention…anything!

"…Yeah…It was." Lavi was scrunching his face. He looked kind of troubled.

Maybe it was the fever, or something in the air, or maybe it was because of the fact that his stalker was in HIS house, either way, Allen still processed everything and concluded that something was not right.

"You led him here…" he muttered. Lavi turned to him his expression changing to confused.

"What?"

Allen looked at him with crazed eyes. "You led him here, Lavi. Can't you see? For some unknown reason, you know where my house is, and for some unknown reason, he knows that you are going to my house so he followed you. It's your fault…" Allen seemed to deflate after every word and by the end of it he was curled in on himself, clutching his aching head and cursing his non-existent luck.

Lavi felt very sorry for him and didn't point out the fact that Yuu's been following the kid for almost 3 weeks now and that Yuu already knew his address from the start. He didn't want to kick the kid's sanity any more.

"WHY DIDN'T I SEE IT BEFORE? YOU'RE A SPY!" Allen exclaimed.

Lavi paused, trying to process Allen's outburst. He pointed a finger at his nose, feeling rightfully confused.

"THE HAIR! THE OUTFIT! THE WAY YOU _BREATHE! _THE MISSING EYE!" Allen continued to runt, ignoring the feeling in his head akin to a huge building falling apart.

Lavi was very offended.

"Hey, Hey! Are you making fun of the fact that I only have one eye?"

Allen ignored him, continuing instead to mutter to himself.

"This must be a conspiracy. Someone is planning to assassinate me. Oh gods, they know where I live. The one eyed pirate led them here. I need to hide, get a new name. Shit, where's my passport!"

Allen's assumptions continued to escalate to a whole new level of impossibility and Lavi thought that the kid was somehow having a little too much fun with Cocaine, or marijuana at the very least.

Lavi placed a hand on Allen's shoulder. Allen growled and tried to bite it off. The snapping of his teeth might have woken him up a little because he blinked at Lavi several times.

"…get out."

The redhead suddenly came to the conclusion that Allen was suffering from a severe case of bipolar-ness…bipolarity…

"Allen, wait. You s-."

"GET OUT!"

Allen surprised Lavi when he suddenly grabbed the senior by the waist and threw him out the door, without bothering to actually open the poor thing. He chased Lavi out the house for good measure.

"Allen! Yo-."

"Goodbye!" Allen slammed the front door at Lavi's face, a screw snapping out of the hinge and hitting him on the forehead.

Allen blinked.

And he fell to knees.

He started to cry both in frustration and the fact that his headache was hell bent on _destroying_ what little sanity he had left.

…..

It was 2 in the afternoon when Allen noticed that he already ate a month's worth of food and he was still hungry. He wasn't surprised; it was, after all, a normal occurrence to him. What pissed him off was the fact that he had to go out to buy grocery because all the food in the cabinet and fridge disappeared magically, and by magically, he meant, vacuumed down into his stomach.

Allen sighed. Well it couldn't be helped. He needed to get out, even though his killer headache still hadn't gone yet and he was feeling very tired. When Allen needed to eat, then he bloody well has to eat and no earthquake, tsunami or meteorite could stop him.

Plus, he still needed to do something about the oven Lavi set aflame.

Allen received the shock of the day, when he opened the gates and found Lavi, LAVI!, sitting cross legged on the ground looking very much like a guard dog.

"Lavi?" Lavi looked up and smiled at him.

"Hey. I thought you were never coming out." He said, standing up and walking over to where Allen was standing, gaping at the senior.

"You mean you've been there all this time?"

"Of course. What kind of bodyguard am I if I left you in that vulnerable state?" He waved a hand at Allen's person, noticing Allen's pale face, sweaty skin and his slight pant.

They both stood there for a minute. Allen couldn't find the right words to explain just what he was feeling at that moment. He was…he was feeling something, but what exactly was it?

"Why are you smiling?" Lavi asked suddenly.

Allen started. He slowly lifted a hand to touch his lips and found that, indeed, he was smiling.

"I…don't know." Allen's smile slowly disappeared because he had just been hit by the realization that he was smiling, which means that he was happy because…

"Why are you doing all this, Lavi?" He asked, looking down at his feet and shuffling nervously. He was acting like a girl, he noticed. Ugh.

"Eh? I told you I will be your body guard, right? 'Cause it's my fault Yuu's following you and all." Lavi furrowed his brows and looked down at the younger male. Allen wasn't looking at him.

"But you didn't have to go this far, you know. Waiting for me to come out. What if I stayed inside all day?"

"Then I'll come in again."

Allen looked up immediately and glared at him. "You wouldn't. You owe me big time for that oven. And Cross will kill me if he finds out something is broken." Allen crossed his arms, grinning like a maniac when he thought of something really brilliant.

"You'll have to buy me food now, La~vi."Allen sing-songed, suddenly feeling like an evil mastermind.

Lavi blinked at Allen's sudden mood swing. Yeah, totally bipolar.

"Buy you food? Well, I think I owe you _that _much." Lavi got out his wallet and checked his cash. "Yeah, I think I'll buy food for you."

Allen resisted the urge to cackle. Lavi, you naïve little thing.

Allen straightened and walked closer to the senior, looking at his green eyes. They were so green, like emeralds, that Allen had a brief thought of being sappy.

"Thank you, Lavi." Well, that was the sappiest he could get.

"Nah. It's my fault for breaking your poor oven."

Allen shook his head. "No. Not just that. Thank you, for everything." This was the second time Allen thanked Lavi for all the things he did. It was a little weird for him to be giving out thank yous as if it were candy. But Lavi did deserve it.

"Lavi…" he started hesitantly. He began shifting awkwardly after because Lavi was looking expectantly at him and he felt that since he already started this then he should bloody well finish. He was a MAN!

"Lavi…can you b-be my…f-frweind." Allen almost bit his tongue off by the end of it. He blushed furiously when he looked up and saw Lavi staring at him. He wasn't even blinking!

"What are you talking about, Al?"

Oh shit, he knew he was bad at not being a social retard. Wait screw that. He was dreadful at not being a social retard but, come on Lavi, can't you even pretend that he wasn't?

"We're already friends. Or didn't you know that?" Lavi blinked. "Huh, maybe I should have told you."

Even if Allen tried, he wouldn't have been able to stop the smile from forming on his lips. Yeah, he was feeling something. He was feeling happy. He was feeling happy because here was a friend, a real friend, standing in front of him. And it took him almost two weeks, a flooded bedroom, one broken oven and a missing door to realize that.

Those were too many, now that he thought of it.

But it was worth it.

His mind suddenly conjured an image of his first friends. It wasn't a very nice image. He could see a lot of mess, feel the mischief in the air, and hear the groans of pain and disapproval after a prank well done. He wondered how those twins were doing.

Anyway, someday, preferably when Cross is dead or rotting in jail for improper child-care issues, he would go back to England. He'll visit Mana's grave, maybe have dinner with Rhode, and he'll join in on David and Dero's 'fun'. Yeah, someday…

His stomach gave an earth-shattering growl, reminding Allen that it was seconds away from devouring his small intestine.

Lavi chuckled.

"Come on, Al. We still need to feed you." He casually draped an arm over Allen's shoulder and led him to the general direction of the mall.

You'd think that after this moment, there would be a time skip and next time you'll find them happily laughing together, sitting on a bench with Allen happily demolishing an ice cream. But noooo…the gods were not that kind, remember?

So when they reached the next block to find Kanda standing behind a trash can, Allen just knew that this day was going to be very long.

Kanda visibly flinched at the sight of them, probably coming to the worst conclusion, seeing Lavi too close to Allen. He looked at them for a long time, questioning them mentally why they were staring. Then his eyes widened, realizing that they _were _so staring at him and the trashcan camouflage was so _not working_. He hissed and kicked the metal can, making it hit the opposite wall and roll forlornly on the ground.

Allen looked down at it. It had his name at the bottom. Huh, the only trash can he remembered writing his name on was his soul mate. The one he used last week. The one inside his house…

Oh…

"You kicked him!"Allen screamed and attempted to grab the Japanese's hair and yank at it. Nobody manhandles his baby, NOBOBY!

But he was too late since Kanda was already walking away, stopping at an innocent looking post and hiding behind it. He looked over at Allen and Lavi, checking if the two were still visible and if he was not exposed.

He did all this with Allen and Lavi staring the whole time.

"Well, this is weird. I guess he'll be following us." Lavi said, scratching his head and adopting that troubled look from before.

Allen thought that weird didn't even begin to describe this.

….

Lavi was currently mourning the loss of his allowance when Allen noticed that Kanda was really following them. The poor guy was doing a horrible job of being unnoticed. Twice he kicked a random guy blocking his view, and he growled and bared his sharp fangs at any sales lady who even thought of approaching him. Just goes to show that some Japanese didn't make a good ninja.

Allen tapped his full stomach and sighed happily, not even feeling sorry for Lavi. It was his fault for not knowing that the world was harsher that it seemed. Everything would have been perfect if it weren't for the fact that he was still being stalked.

Allen turned his head and looked straight at Kanda's eyes. The Japanese was trying to act like mannequin.

"I really like you, Lavi." He said, loud enough for Kanda to hear. The Japanese's eyes narrowed.

"Allen, if you think I'm going to buy you another dozen barbeque because of that then you're wrong." Lavi sobbed miserably. Allen ignored him.

"Do you know what other things I like?" Lavi flinched, thinking that Allen was going to recite a list of foods he still wanted to eat. "I like dangos," Lavi wailed in the background. "I like sweets, too. I like cakes. I like sushi. I like stew. I like Eat-All-You-Can buffets. AND I specially like my PRIVACY."

Lavi wailed louder, then paused. He looked up from the floor he was kneeling on to Allen, who was sitting on a bench in the food court next to him with a face that clearly says '…?". There were no words there, which was fine because that was what Lavi was thinking that time.

He noted that Allen was trying to melt Kanda, who was doing a horrible job at being unnoticeable, using his eyes. It wasn't really working.

"Yeah, that's right. I like my privacy. So it's very logical to say that I HATE people who doesn't give a damn about my privacy. I loathe those kinds of people. And it would make me especially happy if those kinds of people would stop following me around so I can go back to liking my privacy. You know what I'm talking about, Lavi?"

Lavi blinked his one eye. "To be honest…no, not really." Wait, does this mean his wallet would be safe for the next few minutes?

"That's okay." Allen turned to him and gave him an understanding smile. Then he resumed his glaring contest with Kanda, who was twitching so bad he looked like he was suffering from Tourette's. "But I do hope that other people will understand my predicament. I don't want to resort to violence. It's really against my nature."

Lavi looked Allen over. Yeah, the kid looked so fragile Lavi thought he might break if he even tried to _think_ of doing a karate chop.

"Anyway!" Allen exclaimed cheerfully. "I want some fries."

Lavi resumed his wailing.

…..

Allen ended up ordering a BUCKET, especially made for him, of fries and was given a bottle of mayonnaise. He enjoys it better than catsup. Lavi looked at him as he sat back down on their table, let out a series of sobs, and tearfully excused himself to the bathroom.

He was happily pouring down mayonnaise at his fried potatoes when he noticed that Kanda just sat down at the table next to him, holding a news paper (probably to hide his face) and pretending to read it (he was holding it upside down).

He caught Kanda eying his mayonnaise, looking at it approvingly. Kanda's eyes then traveled up to Allen's face, and then to his eyes.

They stared at each other.

_The prick!_

Allen held the bucket of fries to his chest and squeezed the bottle of mayonnaise hard, imagining it to be Kanda's girly head, staring at Kanda as he did so. He was trying to convey through telepathy that he _didn't_ want the Japanese sitting _there_ and that if the Japanese wouldn't leave this instance, he would _die._

He failed, due to the fact that he still hadn't learned how to communicate using brainwaves. He wasn't even sure if that was possible.

Lavi came back from the bathroom, his eyes bloodshot and puffy.

"I just buried my wallet at the back. May his soul rest in peace." Lavi sniffled.

"Yeah. Whatever." Allen said not really caring that it came out harsh.

Lavi continued to sob for the next 15 minutes, which Allen spent devouring his fries violently, imagining it as Kanda's intestines.

…

Lavi was out of it, Allen thought as he watched the senior walk around the park in a zombie-like state. He looked kind of traumatized. Allen could sympathize with that. He had been feeling traumatized for almost half his life that he already gave up on therapy. It was 5 in the afternoon and somehow, Allen's fever and headache had subsided. He felt that he had Lavi to thank for that.

"Hey, Lavi." Allen grabbed the redhead's shoulder to stop him from hitting a tree. When he was sure that Lavi was standing steadily by himself, he smiled at him. "Do you want ice cream?"

At the mention of ice cream, Lavi seemed to snap out of it, whatever _it _was, and began sobbing again. Allen chuckled. Yeah, Lavi was traumatized.

He sat Lavi down on a nearby bench, gave his read head a pat and walked away. He had seen an ice cream truck not too far away.

There! He saw a pink truck a few meters away. He started walking to that direction when someone grabbed his shoulder hard and covered his mouth before he could let out a scream of pain.

Allen tried to struggle, but he could tell that the man holding him was at least two times his size and he was still feeling tired because of his fever. He was led to an old car. He heard someone opening the door and the next second, he was kissing the dirty carpet inside when his abductor threw him unceremoniously in. The door was slammed closed and the car was driven away.

Allen made to sit up but he paused when he felt the cool blade of a knife pointed at his jugular.

"Stay still or I'll kill you."

Allen was smart enough to know when to obey.

They drove for about 10 minutes before the car finally stopped. His hair was immediately grabbed and he was pulled out and dragged in what looked like an abandoned warehouse.

This suspiciously felt like one of those scenes on TV where some poor excuse for a bully calls out some back up to get revenge.

His abductor threw him on the cracked cement floor. The rough surface scratched his face and he tasted blood on his lips. When he finally got his bearings right, he slowly sat up comfortably and looked around. His mouth fell open in disbelief.

Seriously? _SERIOUSLY?_

"Is this the guy?" Some guy who was dramatically standing in the darkest corner of the warehouse asked.

"Y-yes, boss." The man Allen recognized as Idiot #4 answered.

"He's just a kid."

"Don't let him fool you!" Idiot #1 exclaimed, looking at Allen fearfully.

Allen let his eyes roam the place. There were a lot more than 4 idiots in there, most of them old enough to be Allen's dad. He heard the hidden guy, whom he assumed to be the boss in here, click his tongue disapprovingly. The boss took dramatic, slow steps, until he finally reached the lighted area of the room.

He was the biggest and the ugliest of the lot and Allen confirmed his assumption that this was the boss.

"I heard that you beatt up my kids." He growled at Allen in a perfect Big Bad Boy voice.

Allen didn't answer. Even though he could deck this whole lot on a good day (maybe), today was not one of those good days. He was so dead.

When Allen got a kick in the stomach for his lack of answer, he was painfully reminded of Chaoji. This guy was like him, only two times his size and ugly.

Allen clutched his stomach, groaning as rolled to his back. He looked up at the ceiling and thought that America was a really bad place for him to migrate to. Maybe he should have chosen China…or Africa.

Allen didn't notice the boss giving a wave for the others to start the ass kicking fest. Allen didn't notice the warehouse entrance giving a loud creaking noise and he didn't notice his would be ass-kickers pause to look at it.

BUT he did notice his view of the ceiling being blocked by the sudden appearance of a flying…human?

The thing had arms and legs and that was definitely a head there but…what the hell? Humans don't fly, last time he checked. He rolled his head to the side and gasped.

Two figures were standing at the warehouse entrance, their faces dramatically unrecognized due to the light coming from behind them.

Allen sighed. His life was like a TV show.

What next? A heart-felt speech about justice?

"That's not really fare, you know? 1 against 14. I don't exactly like cheaters so…be prepared, for I will bring justice upon this poor soul." That was Lavi's voice.

"Tsk. Shut up, idiot. Let's just kick these punks in the balls and get this done and over with." And that one was Kanda.

Allen groaned and looked up at the ceiling once again. He felt really tired and he thought that these two could handle the punks so he'll just wait here for them to finish. They were big boys now.

One by one, the punks were thrown in the air, effectively blocking Allen's view of the ceiling. Not that it was very interesting to loot at in the first place.

Just when Allen thought that Lavi and Kanda were done, he was suddenly lifted from the ground, his back hitting someone's chest and his hair being pulled harshly so he would look in front of him. He realized that the boss was using him as a shield because his _kids _were no where to be seen.

Kanda growled and took a step to them. A knife was suddenly pointed at Allen's neck.

"You don't want this kid to die, right?" the boss sneered, probably doing a little victory dance in his head for outwitting them.

"I did say that I hate cheaters, right?" Lavi asked, but his tone was far from joking.

"I know you two. You're the two students' from that stupid high school who always causes trouble. Heh, I think now you've gone too far." The blade dug deeper to Allen's skin and he felt warm blood trickling down his neck.

"Well as I see things, you're the one who's gone too far. Let him go." Lavi ordered. Allen was surprised to hear Lavi use a sharp tone of voice. Maybe he shouldn't mess with him too often.

"Shut up or I'll kill this kid, I swear!" With the way his voice was trembling, Allen knew that the only times this guy held a knife was when he was slicing bread.

Oh, well, Allen could handle this one.

"Superman!" Allen screamed.

The boss, as well as Lavi and Kanda, were too surprised to react immediately to his sudden outburst. The knife was pulled a few inches away and Allen took that opening to grab the hand holding it with his left hand. The boss noticed this too late and Allen's right hand had already punched and broke his arm bone before he could react.

Allen let go of the hand, turned around and buried his elbow to the boss' face. He smiled when he saw a broken tooth fall out from the boss' mouth.

The boss' agonizing screams filled the warehouse and it was only Kanda's foot connecting to his stomach that made him shut up.

"Please don't kill me." He whimpered.

"Don't worry. I won't."

And the boss was punched to unconsciousness.

…..

"How did you know where to find me? Wait, how did you even know that I was kidnapped?" Allen asked.

They were in his living room and Lavi and Kanda were there even though Allen refused to give them entry to his house. Allen had hoped that Kanda wouldn't be able to enter because the Japanese could easily pass as a Far-Eastern vampire.

Lavi looked meaningfully at Kanda's direction.

"…Oh, right."

Allen scratched the bondage on his neck awkwardly. Now what?

Kanda suddenly pulled out something from his pocket and held it out to Allen.

"This is yours."

Allen eyed the checkered handkerchief suspiciously and then it hit him that, yes, that was his. He took it immediately from Kanda's hands.

"How did you get this? I've been looking for it for almost three weeks! Oh wait, stupid question. You're stalking me, so of course you stole it." Allen glared accusingly at him.

"Actually, no." To Allen's surprise, it was Lavi who said this. He glared at the red head.

_Traitor!_

"That…That's actually the reason why all this stalking thing started."

Allen was confused.

"I don't know what happened!" Lavi held up his hand in an act of innocence. "Ask Yuu!"

Allen turned to Kanda.

The Japanese was looking very annoyed at the prospect of talking too much than necessary. In the end, though, he did.

"You remember Thursday, three weeks ago? You were beating the shit out of the four guys from earlier. I saw you. Had me wondering why the hell you were being bullied at school when you're like that. I saw you drop that. When you were done, I approached you to give it back but then," Kanda paused, his facial expression becoming positively evil. "You grabbed my arm and fucking threw me in the air. My back fucking ached for three days because of that."

Really? Allen didn't remember Kanda back then but he did remember grabbing someone's arm and throwing them in the air. That guy was the…fifth…punk.

…

So that's why there were only four the other day.

Allen fidgeted in his sit, feeling more awkward_. Now what?_

…wait.

"Which part of that explains why you're stalking me?"

Lavi coughed on his fist.

"I think Kanda is experiencing a bad case of deja vu." He received a very scathing glare for that.

Allen didn't understand.

"What?"

Lavi began to explain. "You see, Allen, two years ag-."

"Shut up! It was love at first sight!" Kanda shouted.

There was a very tensed silence.

Kanda realized too late that what he said was very embarrassing so he concluded that he had done enough talking to last him a life time.

Allen couldn't see how giving Kanda a back ache was love at first sight.

Something was not right. With the way Lavi was looking at Kanda, Allen knew that they were hiding something.

But there was still something that Allen wanted to say. He'll go back to this mystery later.

He turned around to look at the wall clock behind him. It was already eight in the evening.

"I think..I think you two should go home." He said. Both seniors didn't object. It made Allen feel uneasy. He led the two to the front door. Their silence was quite unnerving and no amount of fidgeting and gulping made Allen feel comfortable.

Lavi and Kanda were already out when Allen said the words he wanted out.

"Thank you! For…for saving my life."

He closed the door immediately after. Today had been too much for him. And he couldn't stand to look at Lavi's grinning face and Kanda smug smirk without breaking into a fit of laughter himself.

Allen's back met the door as he tried to will away the stupid grin on his face.

What did he ever do to deserve good friends?

….

_What did he ever do to deserve the company of such annoying people!_

In the course of one day, Allen's relationship with Lavi and, annoyingly, Kanda had drastically changed for the worse.

Thursday morning found him being dragged by the arm by Lavi away from a grumpy looking Kanda, who didn't even bother to _try_ to hide. No, the freaky stalker was actually being a little too close for comfort and one time, he actually made to grab Allen's arm to pull him away form Lavi.

The students near his locker were staring at them with either envy for his luck (because, lets face it, Lavi and Kanda were good-looking) or anger because they wouldn't be able to bully him now. Not with two seniors watching him.

_Mana, who art in heaven, I really hope you're not the one doing this to me. I told you I was innocent!_

…_Amen._

…..

"So, what? You plan to just kidnap him and bring him back to England?" A man, who was tied up to a chair with ropes, asked the other, older man sitting in front of him. This older man was eating a cookie with the creepiest grin known to mankind.

"Basically, yes. We do need him alive after all."

The ropes suddenly came lose and the man grabbed a cookie for himself, nibbling at it while looking at the older man.

"You think I'll let that happen?"

"It's his choice. You can't tell him what to do."

"True, true." He finished his cookie and proceeded to retie himself to the chair, the older man chuckling at him all the while.

"You're really excited, Earl."

The older man's grin turned dark.

"But of course, I've waited five long years for this."

The once-again tied man sighed. It was just Allen Walker, so why did the Earl have to bring the whole family with him? Well, he was sure that the others were excited to meet the boy again.

"…oh shit, I forgot to tell Marian."

=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=

Please do not question me why I updated. I just read this Naruto crack fic DUDE…WTF. I think that's the title. It's in my community so look it up there if you like. It's hilarious!

Again I tried to make everything funny but I think I failed, again. Plus this fic is getting longer and longer! Why is that?

To ElricLawliet- I think Kanda would be a fail stalker. It would be funny that way. And I've updated! Please do not curse me.

To waterlit-Yeah, I really need all the luck I could get. And double yeah, because Kanda is stupid for holding on to something that's already in the past.

To Araven14- I looked up awesomesauce in the dictionary and on the internet. YOU LIE! There is no awesomesauce word! Does this mean the cake is a lie too? Oh and there will be minimal angst, I hope, since I fail at that as much as a fail in romance and humor.

To Kura-Chama- Yeah, he eats it with milk. Yum Yum. And thank you for wishing me luck.

To AustralianGypsy-You cackled again? Like an evil villain? AWESOME! And maybe when Allen can't stand all the craziness then he'll go to Australia. But there's no Kanda there so don't get your hopes up.

To The Puppeteer Master- Actually, it's not as deep as you think it is. I think.

To Sakura Ichigo Morihiko- THANK YOU!

To Unnoticed Observer- Don't worry. Allen will kick Kanda out of whatever trance he is in and then they can proceed to making man babies. The mafia will be active in later chapters. Just wait, it gets WORSE…

So with that said, I will see you next chapter.

STEP 5: GIVE OBVIOUS HINTS THAT YOU WANT HIM TO STOP


	5. STEP 5

Sometime while executing Step 4, your stalker gained some EXP and has magically evolved. He now has the ability to see through walls, read your thoughts and hypnotize you into doing the dirty with him.

The good news? You can prevent that from happening.

The BAD news? You have to kill yourself.

That or you kill him. But since it's Yuu Kanda we're talking about, you have as much chance of doing so as Cross Marian giving up on alcohol and cigarettes and being a sinner in general.

So yeah, you know you stand no chance.

Seriously, though, since you failed-and awesomely, too- to make him realize your utter hate for his stalking tendencies using your subtle ways, you not only let him continue stalking you, but you also gave him a VIP pass to groping your backside.

_You owe me your life, _he'll say_, the least you can do is let me see little Allen._

To prevent that from happening, you have to take drastic measures. How drastic, you ask? It won't damage the Earth's atmosphere for sure. You just have to make him see that you hate him by, say, telling him in his face.

Don't worry, you won't die.

STEP 5: GIVE OBVIOUS HINTS THAT YOU WANT HIM TO STOP

And remember; don't choke on your own tongue like last time.

…..

He didn't know how he ended up doing this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. So now, he was sneaking out of his own house like a robber via his bed sheets tied together and then tied to the window just like in the movies.

Except, he didn't feel like an action superstar.

You wanna know what he feels?

…well, he couldn't find any other word synonymous to bloody homicidal to the point of madness.

Allen jump the last few inches between his feet and the ground in relative safety. Luckily, he didn't break any limb while climbing down his second story window because from what he heard about social norms, that would suck.

He could clearly hear voices arguing at the front of his house. He ignored it in favor of feeling up the wall for that movable spot wherein he could sneak out of his yard away from any Japanese and Lavis.

Good Lord, he hated Japanese and Lavis.

He'd established that fact ever since he met one. He still believed someone up there was messing with his life.

He slowly removed a large part of the brick wall, slid through the hole, cursed when his ass got stuck for a while, stood up as dignified as he could, didn't bother to fix his wall, and ran like he was two blocks away from his house, he slowed to a walk and tried to calm his breathing. This, he thought, was so much more trouble than it was worth.

Of course he was grateful with the two seniors for saving him the other day, but they didn't have to rub it in his face every time they met. Especially Kanda. Ugh.

He wasn't naïve. He knew that Kanda was coming on to him like a bull to a red flag. And the bastard even forgot how to be subtle. If it weren't for his ability to outrun bad guys, he would have lost his virginity seventeen hours and forty five minutes ago.

And Lavi, the bastard, was only making things worse. Whenever he was with the unwelcome company of the two, he had the feeling that the outside world viewed their 'relationship' as some kind of a violent threesome. Kinky, yes, but he wasn't a disturbed individual like Cross so it was just gross to him.

Would he survive this? Would he actually live long enough to remember this and be able to laugh like it was a joke of the weirdest level? Would he have to KILL himself?

Oh GOD, he hoped not.

Having successfully thought himself into a panic attack, Allen Walker walked to school and wished for the best.

Unfortunately, the best for him came in the form of two older men standing by his locker, seemingly waiting for someone (he dared anyone to guess) with the same expression on their faces, which was a surprise, seeing as this was the first time Allen had seen Lavi scowling like this one Japanese idiot he knew.

How in the bloody hell did they manage to get there before he did?

And as if he blew a fog horn the moment he took one reluctant step to his locker, Lavi and said Japanese idiot turned their heads to him so fast Allen felt himself getting whiplash.

For a few seconds a few dozen emotions shone on both the seniors faces; surprise, happiness, hurt, betrayal (from what, Allen didn't know), annoyance and…

Oh…Oh dear Lord, they were going to kill him and he was going to die!

He took an audible gulp when he caught the eyes of Kanda. The pure, unadulterated fury in those glowing-like-pure-evil eyes was enough to make Allen take a step back and hope that he could make an inconspicuous escape despite the fact that the both of them had been staring at him the whole time and that his white hair was just screaming inconspicuous. Right.

It was a total fail, he knew. It was proven more when Lavi magically appeared by his side, giving a friendly pat on his shoulder before practically dragging him back by the ear to where Kanda had been waiting.

_Traitor,_Allen swore from the bottom of his heart. _You will pay dearly for this._

"Al, buddy." Lavi began in an annoyingly condescending tone. "We know that you and Yuu started on the wrong foot but do you really have to do this?"

Allen crossed his arms defiantly. "I don't know what you are talking about."

Kanda snorted and Allen really wanted to deck the Japanese's face with his fist, anti-violence tendencies be damned.

"You've been avoiding us!" Lavi screamed, doing some complicated hand motion that did more damage to everything and everyone in the near vicinity.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Allen denied, bending an impossible angle to avoid an incoming knuckle.

"You, Allen." A finger was shoved on his chest at every word. "Are. A. Big. ."Lavi said with a charming smile on his face.

Wow, that was really annoying.

And Lavi still wasn't finished.

"I can understand that you don't like Yuu, but to lower yourself to the point that you would even avoid me, your BFF, well, Allen, this is where I draw the line."

Allen realized he had his mouth hanging slightly open and Kanda was looking at it with a contemplative expression. He glared at the Japanese before coughing into a fist.

"Okay, first off, you, Lavi, are not my BFF and will never be my BFF, or so help me. Second!" He continued before Lavi could argue. "You are always with this guy," he pointed a thumb at Kanda, Kanda growled, "who, as you have clearly said, I am avoiding like the plague, which by default, results to me avoiding you, too. It's really not my fault."

Lavi gasped. "So you really are avoiding me!" He wailed dramatically and all the students in the hall looked at them. Allen had a full-body blush from the sheer humiliation he experienced just for being associated with these two.

Oh please, floor, swallow me now.

"How could you do this to me!" Lavi continued to wail, buckets of tears flowing right out of his eye. Kanda chose that moment to put on a display of his violent tendencies by kicking Lavi in the shin which resulted to Lavi crying out more buckets of tears and wailing more dramatically. It would have all been comical had Allen not been involved in all of this crazy. Another kick sent Lavi rolling almost all the way down the hall, Kanda following him with a little too much enthusiasm.

It was very clear at that moment that the both of them were screwed up in the head.

Well, Allen mused, getting his books from his locker and putting it in his bag, as long as they didn't do anything drastic and stupid, or crazier than what they were already doing when Allen was around then everything would be fine.

They were almost good company, too. Especially when Kanda wasn't making any attempts to damage Allen's virtue and Lavi wasn't making any perverted jokes. It made going to school somewhat exciting, knowing that someone was out there to rape him and another one was most likely to stall around just to watch.

Allen paused.

Then again…maybe he'd rather stay at home and forget about his education. He was almost sure Cross would understand.

"It's so noisy in here! Who the hell is making all those goddamn noise?"

Obviously you, whoever the hell you are, Allen thought, turning around to where the stupid question came from.

He was a little surprised to see that Chaoji was still alive and kicking, and, he meant that last part quite literally since the idiot just kicked an innocent trashcan, which thankfully wasn't his precious, adding to the noise that was quite non-existent before he walked in. And because Allen was born with unlucky genes, being associated with people he wouldn't normally hang out with otherwise, Chaoji just had to catch his eyes the moment he turned a little to the left.

And then, hell descended upon yours truly.

"Something stinks." Chaoji declared, walking to where Allen was trying to blend in with his locker. Allen took note of Chaoji's sudden bout of bravery in the absence of his 'bodyguards'.

"And I think it's you." He finished, fisting the front of Allen's uniform and seriously messing Allen's hair with the way he just pushed the smaller teen back on his locker. Thankfully, it was closed.

"Where're your dogs, huh? Think you can escape from me with those two following you around and licking your sorry ass? You act pretty brave when they're around, what about now, huh? Huh?"

Allen found it hard not to call on Chaoji's hypocrisy and to tell him that there would be no ass-licking where Allen and Kanda were concerned. And Lavi, too, for that he chose to make as little noise as he could while Chaoji busied himself leaving a more remarkable dent on his locker.

Some part of his mind, the questionably sane one, told him over and over again to fight back, to just fuck it all and proceed to fuck up Chaoji's face. The other part laughed almost sadly at this and told him to just take the beating like a man.

Someone was bound to save him from this bullying at some point, right?

The sudden silence that had descended the hall was answer enough for Allen.

Chaoji suddenly stopped and sneered, apparently not liking his lack of protest. The rising of his fist was the only warning Allen got before he felt intense pain when Chaoji's knuckle made contact with his left cheek.

Allen was shocked.

And his mind automatically shut down.

Chaoji made another attempt to do more damage to Allen's face but he was pulled violently away. The killing intent flowing out of Kanda and Lavi was enough to make Allen's brain kick in again. He didn't know if he should be grateful for that.

The sight of Kanda and Lavi made Chaoji snarl and bitch some more, trying to get Kanda and Lavi to lose their grip on the back of his uniform.

"You two! I'm going to kill you two! Think you're so cool, huh? Think you can just beat everyone up just 'cause your pretty strong? You just wait, you fucking assholes! Madarao will get you for this! You fucking idiots will die, I'll makuurgh-."

"Man, he sure talks a lot for a loser." Lavi commented, rubbing at the hand he just use to hit the back of Chaoji's neck. "Then again, losers do tend to talk a lot."

Kanda threw Chaoji's body carelessly before rounding on Allen. Allen opened his mouth to say something.

"Yo-."

And Kanda back-handed him.

Even Lavi was shocked into silence.

"That hurt, huh? So what are you going to do, stand there like the dork you are and take it like a wuss? Why don't you hurt me?" Kanda sneered at the wide-eyed look Allen had that moment. "I hate idiots who just let everyone fucking walk all over them, just so you know."

Allen opened his mouth. When no sound came out, he closed it again.

"Whoah, Yuu. As happy as I am to hear you give motivational talk here, was that slap really needed? I mean, look what you did to Al!" Lavi motioned at Allen's motionless form, growing more concerned when Allen just continued to stand there like a statue.

His cheeks were getting red and slightly swollen, too, Lavi noted.

"You three! What are you still doing here?" Someone barked at them, making Kanda and Lavi jump. Allen didn't move.

"Kanda, Bookman, Walker! Go to your class. The bell rang minutes ago." Howard Link marched to where the three students were.

"Oh shit." muttered Lavi. He grabbed Allen's shoulder and shook him a few times. "Al, we have to go." He hissed.

He was surprised when his hands were slapped away and Allen sent him a very nasty glare.

"Don't touch me."

The only reaction Kanda had for this was a raised eyebrow.

"What are you doing there?"

Allen looked up and it was then that Link saw the reddened cheeks and dark look the teen was sending Yuu Kanda. It was a wonder how Kanda hadn't spontaneously combusted from the heat alone.

Link was coming very close now and Allen saw how the man barely spared a glance at Chaoji's prone form. It seemed the man was more concerned for his well-being at the moment. It surprised Allen a little. It didn't actually hit him until that moment that Cross Marian left him to this man's care, while he was prancing around somewhere on the other side of the planet, and that Howard Link actually cared.

He really appreciated it, just, not that much at the moment.

So what if he didn't fight back? Did he think Allen cared about his opinion? If he did, well, damn him for assuming things. And damn him for thinking even one moment that he knew Allen more than he actually did.

"Stop acting like you know me." Allen said spitefully at Kanda. "Because you don't. And don't ever bother me again."

Kanda opened his mouth to say something back, most likely something really stupid, but Link beat him to it.

Allen was forever thankful for that.

"You two get to class." The blond said in a tone full of authority Lavi and Kanda didn't even have the heart to disobey. Still, Kanda shot Allen a look that clearly told the younger teen that Kanda wasn't done with him, not in a long shot.

"And you, Walker, follow me."

It seemed as though hell was just getting warmed up.

Well, fuck it all, Allen thought as he followed Link to his office.

He was quite happy to say that he was only a little spiteful inside.

….

Allen Walker, as Link had known him for the past year, was many things, all things considered. He was a gentleman, a little brat sometimes and a conniving git to a degree. He blames Marian Cross' influence on that last one. But, Link always considered Allen Walker to be a very smart individual.

His latest escapade with Lavi Bookman and Yuu Kanda?

Totally not smart, dude.

And, yeah, he was able to think that last statement with a straight face.

But, he digress.

Link knew a lot of things about Allen. Almost everything he needed to know was in the manual Cross handed him that fateful night. The night when he was randomly challenged by Cross to a (very rigged, now that he thought about it) game of poker and lost spectacularly.

_**Allen Walker for Dummies**_ states that the kid needs to eat a complete course of meal-and then some-at least three times a day, a bath at least once a day, walk at the park every Saturday, sleep at exactly eight in the evening except on a Friday night, in which the brat would rendezvous with an anonymous person in an anonymous place and play poker in order to _obtain money for the military food supply you call dinner, YOU PUNK ASSED BRAT._

Oh, and Allen Walker was also flaming gay.

This has never been an issue to Link. He always thought that European guys were gay, in every sense of the word. But, he was just Howard Link, Genius alumni of Harvard U's College of Education, Physics Major, who graduated top of his class, not a rocket scientist or anything close to it, so he could be wrong.

The issue that was bothering him NOW however, was Allen Walker's involvement with two of the most renowned juvenile delinquents this side of the Milky Way.

True, Allen Walker was smart, but apparently, he was not smart enough.

The door to his office closed behind Allen with an ominous click.

"Sit down." He said curtly.

Allen sat down without complaint.

At least the kid knew that he was in deep shit.

"Now explain to me what just happened out there, in full detail, please." He said with a very tired sigh. He was too old to be giving lectures to rebellious teens, he liked to think.

Allen opened his mouth and the words that came out were so random Link had to wonder if the kid was doing drugs. Or something.

"I think I'm going to die."

"…what?"

"I think I'm going to die, Link. I…I practically told Kanda, _Kanda_, of all people to fuck off. I'm going to die." Allen declared in awe.

And then his words sunk in and Allen started hyperventilating.

Link just watched in silence as Allen drew less and less air in for his lungs and brain.

Okay, did Marian neglect to tell him about Allen's traumatic past involving people from the Far East? If so, then there was nothing wrong if Link filed a complaint.

"Calm down, Allen." Link said when Allen continued to ignore him in favor of attempting to pass out. His attempt was going pretty well, too, in Link's opinion.

Allen took a long shaky breath before his eyes began rolling to the back of his head. Link stood up immediately and bitch-slapped Allen before the kid could faint.

Somehow, that did the trick. Allen froze in his dramatic fainting position with his face facing the side and his back bent at an odd angle. If he didn't move any minute now, Link would laugh.

"You hit me." Allen muttered, righting his position and looking at Link's eyes with such a betrayed expression that made Link regret what he just did.

For some reason, Allen does not appreciate being hit more than one would think, especially for someone being constantly bullied.

"I was sucker-punched once and bitch-slapped twice in the span of fifteen minutes." Allen said more to himself now. "…that's…that's not even funny."

"It isn't." Link sat down with an exasperated expression. Allen was overly dramatic, sometimes. "Especially considering what I just witnessed outside. I hate to ask you this, but are you an idiot?"

Allen looked mildly offended. "Are you serious? Cross is my guardian." He said, thinking that it was answer enough.

And to Link, it was. If you live with Cross, being an idiot was out of the question.

"Then what is this rumor I'm hearing about you and your…ah…pose being in a fight just the other day?"

Link saw how Allen stiffened at his question.

Now here comes the real problem.

"It wasn't me, I swear. I-I didn't hit anyone. I was kidnapped and they just saved me. I'm innocent; I'm telling you and PLEASE DON'T TELL CROSS!"

Link rubbed his temples. "Sit down, Allen."

Allen sat down.

"You were kidnapped." Link deadpanned. "When were you planning on telling me this, exactly?"

Allen made a show of avoiding Link's gaze. "Uhm…ten seconds ago?"

Link sighed.

He really was too old for this.

"Allen. I thought I didn't have to say this to you again, but I think you're forgetting some important facts. You are not to act like an ex-convict here in this school if you want to stay. Which I know for a fact that you do." Link looked at Allen, noting his slumped shoulders and downcast eyes.

"I apologize."

"You don't have to. It's really not your fault. Just…don't cause a stir. We don't want anyone knowing you're here as much as possible. Cross spent so much time and effort just to enroll you here with little trouble." Link shuddered a little. "And I hate to see his reaction when he sees that everything he did was for not."

There was a brief pause where both parties' mind wondered to possible future events with so much M-rated violence it was almost a crime just mentioning it in this story.

Link coughed loudly and the nightmare ended.

"You're already late for first period. I apologize for that. Do you want to stay here and wait for your next class? I can make you tea." Link offered. He knew he wasn't that bad a company. And sometimes, well, you know…he gets a little lonely, too.

But this is a secret.

Allen was looking at him with wide eyes before clearing his throat.

"No thanks, _professor._" Allen said, emphasizing the last word as if he was trying to make a point. He stood up a little too quickly, picking up his bag and walking to the door while still facing Link. As if Link would do something indecent to him, like rape, maybe.

"Stay out of trouble." was Link's final advice before Allen walked out the door.

At that moment, his phone began to vibrate in his pants pocket. He looked at the unregistered number before pushing the answer button. If he had known who was on the other end of the line, he would have hesitated before answering.

But, he was a Harvard U, College of Education, Physics Major Genius, not psychic.

….

If Allen had anything to say about his current predicament, it was that he had never loathed sitting by the window in class like he did now.

The window was open, the sun was at its perfect position at 2 in the afternoon, the birds were chirping even though it was almost unbearably hot, and a gust of wind blew every now and then.

It was almost the perfect time to daydream in the middle of a boring lesson which, for the record, he had been doing for the most part of Professor Tyki Mikk's lecture just before the first rock hit him.

It happened so randomly that Allen didn't know what to do at first. And then he thought of yelping.

His surprised yelp was heard by everyone in the room. Some looked at him with confusion and then dismissed his action as an attempt to get everyone's attention. The other ones though, looked at him quizzically with a frown on their face and just a little bit of concern for his sanity.

These other ones were Lenalee Lee, that cute Chinese transfer student and Professor Mikk himself.

"Is there something you want to say, Mister Walker?" Professor Mikk asked slightly amused.

Allen blushed to the tip of his ears. "N-no, sir."

The class progressed without a hitch after that. Allen dismissed the rock event as a product of his imagination. And with that rock being very solid and the side of his head hurting very badly, he concluded that his imagination was totally kick-ass.

He was about to fall into another day dream when he saw little movement on his side, the one near the window. He casually bent to the side, pretending to pick up something, narrowly avoiding another rock. As the abomination rolled innocently on the floor, Allen had the distinct feeling that Lavi and Kanda were up to no good.

Where this feeling came from, he didn't know. Just call it (wo)man's instinct.

Five consecutive rocks later, Allen felt his patience evaporating to be replaced by pure rage. The only thing that was keeping him from going Sparta in the middle of a lesson was the thought of detention for interrupting class and embarrassing himself even further, especially in front of Lenalee Lee.

He didn't have a crush on her, of course. It was just that, these past few days, she had been slowly getting closer to him. Between trying to evade Kanda and Lavi and barely escaping getting a swirly at every turn, the only consolation he got from all the stress was Lenalee Lee actually noticing him and getting concerned about his health.

It happened kind of suddenly. He was there in the hallway, trying to find an escape route from Kanda's stalking. Didn't that guy have classes?

When someone pulled him to the ladies wash room and away from Kanda, he was least expecting it to be Lenalee. She was, well, she had never talked to him before.

Lenalee had pressed her ear to the closed door and after a moment, looked at Allen with a kind smile.

"He's gone."

That was the very first time in Allen's life that he seriously considered kissing a girl. He was that grateful.

His mini-flashback caused him a sore left eye when another rock hit him.

"Oh shit, I think that hurt."

Allen's ears perked at those words.

Rubbing the skin just above his left eye, Allen slowly turned his head to look outside, feeling dread crawling down and seriously cramping his stomach.

His fist clenched and Allen had the sudden stupid urge to flip his table over in his anger.

Fucking Lavi and Kanda were standing there behind a conveniently placed shrubbery, rock in hand and arms poised to do something stupid with it, like say, throwing it at Allen.

Lavi luckily noticed that they had Allen's attention at last and stop in mid-throw. Kanda, curse his soul to the deepest pits of hell, wasn't lucky enough. Allen couldn't move a muscle to avoid the rock that hit him on the forehead. His muscle had gone stiff in his fury.

What the BLOODY HELL?

Lavi waved enthusiastically at him.

"Al!" he whispered loud enough for Allen to hear without catching the attention of the other unnecessary extras. "We came here to say sorry!"

Even from where Allen sat, he could hear the snort Kanda gave to that statement.

"Okay, well, I came here to apologize. Kanda said he wanted to rape you."

Was that supposed to make him feel better?

"We're sorry about what happened this morning! Kanda didn't mean what he said. He still likes you!...at least he thinks he does."

That last part was said in a lower voice that wasn't meant to reach Allen, but it did, and Allen noted the weary tone with which Lavi spoke those words. Before Allen could ponder the meaning of those words, Lavi began talking again.

"We took care of Chaoji while you were with Link-sorry for that, too, by the way- and we made him promise to never bully you again." Lavi paused. "Well, he didn't say he would but, you know, it's the thought that counts. Anyway! We-ouch! Fine!-I really want to apologize sooooo…would you like to join us for dinner later?"

Allen blinked.

Uhhh…he didn't know what to think.

He was grateful that the both of them (mostly Lavi, he was sure) was kind enough to take care of the Chaoji problem, but, couldn't they have waited for after school hours to tell him this?

And now Lavi was looking expectantly at him for an answer. An answer he didn't know how to give while in the middle of class.

He settled for subtle hand gestures.

_I'll talk to you later._ He made a complicated hand motions that looked like an elephant doing cartwheels before pointing in front of him with the other. _I still have class._

Lavi looked at him with furrowed brows. "What?"

Allen face palmed and resisted the urge to groan, telling himself that it wasn't Lavi's fault for not being born with telepathic abilities. He refused to acknowledge his total suckage at charades.

"No. We'll talk now."

Lavi and Allen both shot Kanda confused looks.

"Uh, what?"Lavi asked.

Allen narrowed his eyes.

He pointed at himself, made swatting movements with his hand, followed by what seemed to be break dancing using his fingers, and then he pointed at Kanda. _I don't want to talk to you._

Lavi's eyes widened. "I think my brain just crashed. What the HECK was that?"

Allen ignored that comment and glared at Kanda.

"I don't care. We'll talk now."

Allen's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. _Why?_

"Because I said so."

_You conceited git! _Allen thought, growling unintentionally. He stood up, readying himself to do an interpretative dance that would convey just how much he really, really wanted to strangle the Japanese right now.

He raised both hands and was about to do a pirouette when he heard Lavi 'eep' before both him and Kanda ducked down to hide.

"_Mr. Walker,_ are you sure you don't have anything to share with the class." That was the annoyed and slightly amused query of Professor Mikk.

Allen didn't know that it was possible to be the color of tomato when you were as pale as a corpse. It was quite the accomplishment, he thought distantly, turning slowly to face Professor Mikk. He scratched the back of his head, trying to look as sheepish as possible.

"No, sir."

Tyki Mikk chuckled and Allen was doomed.

"Well, no matter, we'll talk after class." He said, walking back to the front to continue his lecture.

Allen whipped his head to the side and flashed a very heated glare to the quivering bushes. At least Lavi knew he was going to be in pain later. He wasn't so sure about Kanda.

Allen caught the look Lenalee was giving her. He didn't know what it meant, though.

It was fifteen minutes after his greatest humiliation that the class was dismissed. It was his luck that he has a fifteen minute break before his last class so he can spend some quality time with his professor without problem.

How _fun._

Professor Mikk waited until the last student walked out and closed the door behind him before he stood up and walked to where Allen was sitting. To Allen's surprise, a cigarette was pulled out of a pocket and was offered to him.

"Want one?"

"…If I say no, are you going to fail me?" Allen asked slowly, to which Professor Mikk just chuckled.

"I've been wanting to talk to you for a while now, Walker." Professor Mikk frowned. "_Walker._ It sounds wrong. Can I call you Allen?"

_That sounds wrong to me, _Allen thought. "Of course." He answered politely. His grades were still in the hands of this man and he did NOT want to fail. An image of his guardian flashed through his mind.

_Oh the PAIN!_

"Well, _Allen, _it's really nice to talk to you, finally. You can call me Tyki out of class." _Tyki _winked and Allen's heart metaphorically shriveled and died. If he didn't already know that Kanda was his stalker, Tyki would have been number one on his list.

What happened to wonderful, wonderful Professor Mikk who has no care for Allen's world?

"Are you an alien?" He asked without thinking. He clamped his mouth shut lest he started asking more ridiculous questions.

Tyki laughed and the sound was so silky Allen felt it crawl on his skin. Talk about creepy.

"I really like you, little boy." Tyki said, reaching out and ruffling Allen's hair with a smile. Allen blinked, waiting for the creepy feeling to set in, but it didn't come. The touch was almost familiar, too.

Tyki pulled away and blew a wisp of smoke at Allen's face.

"You should get going now or you'll be late." Tyki stood up, crushed the still lit cigarette in his hand and went to his table to collect his things. Before exiting, he waved cheerfully at Allen and went on his way.

Allen was left feeling confused and slightly violated.

….

Allen was panting hard, his heart ramming on his chest as if it were trying to escape his body in order to _escape _the monster that was after its owner. The corridor had never seemed so long to him and he was more than happy to see the fire exit at the end of it. With a mighty leap, he grabbed for the knob and wrenched open the door. He closed it with a slam, pushed the lock and after a heartbeat he was already bolting down the steps. There was no time to waste; he needed to get away, far, far away or else…

Something slammed on the door above, followed by loud cursing more colorful than any rainbow Allen knew. He resisted the urge to stop and stick his tongue out to no one, choosing instead to put as long a distance between him and Kanda.

If Kanda didn't understand the concept of 'NO', then Allen was more than happy to _show _him.

He reached the ground floor, out of breath, his shirt sticking to him like a second skin. No matter how many times this happened, the Japanese just wouldn't learn his lesson.

He tried breathing through his nose to calm his racing heart, cringing when he caught a whip of his body odor.

When he gets home, he will eat, take a bath, and sleep. Being miserable can wait another time.

He cautiously opened the door, looking left and right. When he spotted to Japanese in the near vicinity, he slowly walked out, silently closed the door and made a run for it. It was lucky he chose this exit. It was near the school gate and was at the side of the school building not often walked on by students. The back of the gym was also a good alternate route for him in case Kanda was waiting for him on the front of the building.

He deliberately slowed down on the corner, peeking to see if anyone was there to ambush him.

He paused.

Well, that was a big fat no. As far as he was concerned; Lenalee had been in no way contacting and Japanese lately. The other three with her, though, looked kind of suspicious.

He squinted his eyes, trying to put a name on those faces, coming up blank. One thing he was sure, though, was that whoever they were, they weren't Lenalee Lee's usual type of friends. The way the girl was squirming and looking around nervously were clue enough.

They were talking, too, but Allen couldn't hear a word of their conversation. He tried to step a little closer without any of them noticing but failed when he accidentally kicked a rock. It was just a small movement but one of them noticed.

Allen almost broke into a cold sweat when one of them moved their eyes inconspicuously toward his direction. Lenalee eyed him for a second before looking back to the three muscled guys who were all leering at her. He didn't like that look on their faces.

Lenalee opened her mouth and began talking again, although this time it was with an obvious air of confidence. Though Allen noticed her eyes faltering just a little bit at times.

She closed her mouth and by the looks on the guys' faces, Allen knew that the girl was in trouble.

He was already on the move before the nearest guy, with dyed blond hair, a nose ring and face tattoo, could hit his mark.

He heard a yelp and a nasty growl when his hand shot out to grab the fake blond's arm.

"Please don't hit her." Allen said politely, grinding his teeth to prevent himself from cursing like a sailor. Damn Cross for being a bad influence on him.

"What? You her boyfriend or something?" The blond pulled his arms and spat on Allen's foot. He raised his hands to the other two in a placating manner before he sneered at Allen. "You must suck big time, fairy boy. With looks like yours, I wouldn't think twice with finding a new guy to fuck." He and his minions laughed cruelly at that.

Allen clenched his fist. He felt a hand tug at his shoulders and he looked behind him to see Lenalee's watery eyes and quivering lips.

"I'm s-sorry, Allen. I didn't know what t-to do and then I saw y-you and…" Soft sobs prevented Lenalee from finishing her sentence and Allen redoubled his efforts from cursing these idiots to hell.

If there was something he hated the most-aside from Lavis, Japanese, stupid uncles, chaojis and…well it's a very long list, really-it was guys who make girls cry.

"Whaat? You weren't like talkin' like that before this fag came, you stupid bitc-."

He flew back before he could finish that insult.

Allen cringed slightly at the pain and shook his hand a few times. Looking at the bloodied nose of fake blondie, though, he thought it was worth it.

"I'm sure you wouldn't want to finish that sentence." He said with a smile.

"Y-you…BASTARD!"

The two other guys jumped up and ran at him, both their fists raised high. Allen pushed Lenalee to the side, away from the line of fire before ducking low to avoid getting hit. He noticed a knee coming his way from his periphery and jumped away to the side. A shadow loomed behind him and he instinctably rammed his elbow behind him. The satisfying 'crack' he heard made him smile.

His smile turned into a grimace when a fist landed on his stomach. He doubled over in pain. Another punch connected with his jaw and he tasted blood in his mouth. The impact made him fall on his side. He rolled away before a kick could hit his face and he raised his feet to aim a kick at nearest guy's groin.

He hit his mark.

Standing up slowly, he could see that blondie was down, holding his profusely bleeding nose and glaring at Allen, though he made no move to attack, probably fearing more damage to his face. Another one was holding his crotch, on his knees and groaning in pain. The last one was left unscathed but panting heavily. He was grinning and it was making Allen's blood boil.

He knew this feeling, this rush of emotion that was roaring to be released.

Fuck Link and his rules. He was going to enjoy this.

Allen grinned.

…..

Damn that stupid bean sprout, Kanda thought. He had very short legs but he sure runs fucking fast. He actually couldn't catch up to the midget!

Kanda stepped out of the school building, feeling grumpier than ever. He was sure the bean sprout was going to come out of _this _side of the building. Unless the idiot took the gym detour...

Kanda wasted a few minutes of his life before he realized that, fuck, the idiot _did _take the gym detour.

…well, fuck it all.

He stumped his way to the back of the gym, not even thinking that maybe the bean sprout was already on his way home, making sure that he _destroyed _everything his foot made contact with.

He knew the bean sprout, whatever his name, would like him eventually. _HE _liked Kanda so why can't the bean sprout? He can't not like Kanda…he just can't.

…he can't…

He can hear voices now and that almost made him smile. If the bean sprout wasn't here, at least he can vent some of his frustration out.

What he saw when he turned on that corner…it was a bloody massacre.

Okay, so he was exaggerating. It wasn't a massacre, but it sure as hell was bloody. He couldn't even recognize the faces of the three victims.

He whistled in awe. Wow, just…wow.

"Allen! Thank you so much!"

Allen? Who the hell was that?

Kanda looked away from the bloody mess on the ground and noticed for the first time that there were two other people here. One was a girl and the other was…

"Allen, thank you."

The voice was quivering, as though uncertain if she should be grateful or afraid of the man she was embracing.

Embracing…

"N-no. It's alright, really, Lenalee."

That voice sounded uncertain, of what Kanda didn't know. He saw the gray eyes shift slowly, almost in a daze before it landed on his own.

It blinked and the cloud was gone.

"…Kand-mmmph!"

The voice was cut off because lips had just descended upon the source of it and was preventing it from speaking.

Lips on lips…

Kissing…

…_he can't not like me…_

A damn broke inside him and the flood of emotions drowned all rational thoughts. He ran, pulled violently and pushed the girl hard away from _him._

…_in front of him, they were kissing in front of him and he couldn't do anything because of this stupid ropes and the others were laughing and HE's leaving with HER, leaving without Kanda and HOW CAN HE NOTLIKEHIM?_

A dull thud broke into the haze in his mind. He looked down to see the girl dazedly looking up at him. She probably hit head on the wall.

"Don't touch him. He's mine." He said without thought, without any emotion.

This declaration was answered with a fist connecting to his left cheek.

The pain surprised him and he stumbled back a few steps. He looked up and glared at the perpetrator, surprised to see that it was HIM, _bean sprout._

He was panting heavily.

"How many times do I have to tell you," Bean sprout began, shoulders shaking from the raw emotion. "Leave me alone. You hurt a girl and say that I'm your property? Don't make me laugh." He spat out.

He turned to the side, gently held the girls hand and helped her stand. He asked her if she was okay, she said yes and they turned their backs on Kanda.

They were leaving.

Bean sprout turned his head.

"I don't like you. In fact, I hate you right now."

They left.

Kanda was alone again.

….

_Hello. This is Allen. Obviously I'm doing something right now and can't answer the phone. Just leave a message and I'll call you back later._

"Oi brat, it's me. Something came up and I'm coming to see if you're still alive and all that shit. But me some vodka and lots of cigarettes 'cause that's what you're only good at. I'll be there in five days."

=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=

Sorry for suddenly disappearing. But now I'm back. And here is an update. I really got stuck on this chapter and I'm slightly not happy with some parts of it. I really want to show some development, both on the story and characters but, apparently, I suck on that. Anyway, now we see a different side to Kanda and Allen. The start was a little on the stupid side but the end part is more serious. Hopefully I can make this story work.

Leave me a review and tell me what you think.


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